


Spiral

by SomedayonBroadway



Series: Spiral [1]
Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Brotherly Love, Character Death, Domestic Violence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Violence, request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:55:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23173537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomedayonBroadway/pseuds/SomedayonBroadway
Summary: Race hadn't seen it coming. Maybe he hadn't wanted to. But now, all he could see was red.
Relationships: Crutchie & Racetrack Higgins, Jack Kelly/Katherine Plumber, Medda Larkin & Racetrack Higgins, Racetrack Higgins & David Jacobs, Racetrack Higgins & Jack Kelly, Racetrack Higgins & Katherine Plumber Pulitzer, Racetrack Higgins/OC, Spot Conlon & Racetrack Higgins
Series: Spiral [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884931
Comments: 50
Kudos: 50





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SinfullySimple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinfullySimple/gifts).



> Well hi there, friends! It's been a while, let me tell you. I haven't had lots of time to write in the past couple of months with being a full time college student, a part time worker, being in two shows and then sometimes sleeping in between. But guess what... that's all cancelled! So now I have all the time in the world for the next three weeks at least!
> 
> Anyways, this is actually a story I started writing last summer after getting a request from the lovely SinfullySimple. I know I'm behind on updates and requests and Tumblr asks, you name it, but I am definitely going to try and catch myself up at least a little over the next couple weeks.
> 
> Okay, so TW! Please be careful if you get easily triggered by mentions of descriptions of abuse, rape, blood, fighting, manipulation, anything else in these categories. I often get a lot of complaints about how I never include trigger warnings. Ya'll... read the authors notes. They're almost always there.
> 
> Anyways!
> 
> I've missed you guys!
> 
> Please enjoy!

For the life of him, he couldn't figure it out.

How did he get here?

_"_ _No! No! No! Wake up! Stay with me! Please-please! I need you!" There was blood on his hands. Precious blood that should be running through someone else's veins._

Race couldn't breathe.

There was so much red. All he could see was red. All he could feel was anguish and the tears spilling down his face.

_There was too much. It was all too much. A body behind him. Someone else bleeding out beneath his own hands._

It was his worst nightmare come to life and he hadn't even seen it coming. Not really. Maybe he hadn't wanted to see it.

But here it was, happening right in front of him.

And all he could do was scream.

It hadn't started out as a nightmare. At least, not that Race could remember. In fact, at the beginning, it had almost been a dream. Too good to be true.

At the beginning, it had been easy to fall.

And now he was trapped.

_Arms encircled his waist. He tried not to cringe at the contact. The night before had not quite left his mind yet. It would. Eventually. Just not yet._

_"_ _Hey, angel..." Race did not respond. He just continued to cut up the carrot on the counter. He stiffened only slightly and scowled, trying so hard not to let any tears fall. He was so confused. He just didn't know what to do. "Hey... what do I gotta do?" the person behind him asked, pressing a long, slow kiss to his bare shoulder. "I said I was sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! Tell me what I need to do to make it better..."_

_It was impossible. Impossible to keep it together._

_Race broke. One, single, broken, bitter laugh and he couldn't hold on anymore. Tears streamed down his face as the knife fell from his hands. It landed on the counter with a small clang and silent sobs wracked his body._

_The arms around him tightened. The boy didn't move. "Please don't cry, Tony... babe... I'll do anything to make it better... I'm so sorry... I was drunk... I... I didn't know what I was doing..."_

_That was the excuse. Race knew he shouldn't give in. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he needed out. He needed to get out._

_And then..._

_"_ _I love you, Antonio... more than anything in the entire goddamn world..." They we're both crying now. And the person behind Race buried their head in the crook of his neck. "Please... please talk to me... I don't know... I'd die without you, baby... you know I'd die without you... so please just talk to me..."_

_He shook his head. His heart clenched so tightly. "Please don't say that..." he begged quietly, unable to handle the thought. "Please... j'st don't say that..."_

_He was pulled around gently. He still flinched. A hand caressed his cheek. He leaned into it. He had to. He was so confused. "I'll fix it... I promise. Racer, I'll fix it and I'll never hurt you again..." There it was. The promise. The one that he kept holding onto. For four years now, he'd been hanging on, falling. It was love at one point. It still was. "Please just tell me you'll never leave me... please... I need to know that you still love me..."_

_A hand tightened in the front of Race's shirt. He reached up to fold it in his own. He looked up into teary grey eyes. Sniffling he nodded. "I... I ain't leavin'... I love you, Drake... I love you..."_

_Lips were on his own in a second. Race reached up to tangle his hand in the taller man's shaggy brown hair. He tried to relax into the familiar movement of those lips on his own. The other man's tongue slipped between his lips and both of Drake's hands travelled down his back to his ass. Race was pulled closer to his partner's chest._

_It was a long moment. But eventually, the kiss broke. And they just stood in that kitchen, holding each other._

_"_ _I swear I'll be better..." Drake whispered. "I love you so much..."_

_Race felt nauseous. "I believe you..." He'd said it before. He knew he had. But it wasn't a lie. He wished it could be sometimes. But, when those grey eyes looked down at him like that... he couldn't not believe it. "I love you, too..."_

He would believe it every time.

But there was someone else who wouldn't.

His childhood hadn't always been perfect. It may have never been perfect. He had a father who hit him, who used him, a mother who got him hooked on cigarettes and pot when he was hardly ten years old; habits he'd never been able to fully shake. But, after a couple months floating around in the system, he'd found home.

A mother who loved to sing, who baked him cookies whenever he had bad days and would drive him anywhere, even when he didn't truly need it. And two big brothers. Both more protective than he could've ever imagined. One who took extreme measures to make sure no one picked on him, and another who was a bit calmer in an approach to get him to open up and talk to them about the issues he had.

He'd found home when he was twelve years old.

And he was the one who was tearing it apart.

_"_ _Do we really gotta be here?"_

_Race resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "It's only a few hours, babe... I wanna see my brothers n' my Ma... we already dipped on them last week..." he stated as they walked up the steps to the small house. Their hands were intertwined between them._

_"_ _C'mon... ya know that Jack hates me..."_

_Wincing a little at the cold truth, Race shook his head. "Jack hates everybody I ever dated... he's protective... he soaked a football player once cause he called me stupid..." It was a true story. Longer than that, but a true story, nonetheless._

_"_ _Fine. But the second he starts shit again, I'm leavin'." He said that every time._

_Race never got to stay for too long anymore._

_When the door was opened, Race grinned, a big, genuine smile. "Antonio Higgins, get your ass over here and give your mama a hug!"_

_"_ _Hi, Mama," Race laughed, slipping his hand out of Drake's grip and throwing his arms around his adoptive mother. She was a plump, dark skinned woman, about three inches shorter than the young man. He had to lean down to embrace her and give her a quick peck on the cheek. "I missed ya..."_

_"_ _I miss you too, my angel. Your brothers were takin' bets on whether or not we'd see ya today! Get in that kitchen and get Charlie his twenty bucks," she teased, kissing his forehead before letting him out of her arms. She playfully pushed him inside. He let her, rushing inside, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited for his partner to join him._

_Drake stood there awkwardly, not really wanting to move. Medda looked him up and down. "Hi, Drake... you takin' care of my baby?" she asked, almost jokingly. He laughed. She gave him a tight smile._

_Nodding, Drake forced a smile too. "I'm doing my best, Medda... your son's quite the handful," he joked._

_Medda did not find that funny. Race knew she didn't. But she invited him inside anyways._

_"_ _Hey! The Racer kid's here!"_

_Race's heart soared at the voice. It had only been two weeks, but he missed them. "Hey, Charlie!" he laughed, rushing over to embrace the other boy, just slightly older than him, sitting on a stool at the island of the kitchen. His blond hair barely peaked out beneath the newsboy cap on his head. He had a denim jacket laid over the back of his chair and wore a black and grey stripped v-necked t-shirt. There were two metal elbow crutches sitting beside him._

_"_ _There's my little brother!"_

_Before Race could get too comfortable in that embrace, arms wrapped around him from behind, and he squealed as his feet were lifted off the ground. He ignored the pain that shot through his side. It hurt. But he was used to it by now. "Jack! Put me down!"_

_A hum was his response as he laughed and struggled in the loving embrace. Jack always did that to him. Like he was thinking about it. But then he somehow maneuvered the younger man, throwing him over his shoulder. "Don't think so, kid," he decided with a laugh._

_"_ _Oh let him down, Jackie..." Charlie laughed, shaking his head. Race was trying to push himself up, his hands braced against Jack's back. It wasn't working. But he couldn't stop laughing._

_Eventually, after a couple moments of struggling, Race was allowed back down on the ground. And he wrapped his arms around his big brother before he could even say anything else. "Hey," he giggled, tightening his fists in the back of the man's red flannel._

_"_ _Hi, baby brother. Thought ya weren't gonna show," Jack stated. Race felt a kiss press onto his temple as a hand pet over his hair._

_With a small laugh, Race shrugged. "Heard you were takin' bets," he teased, giving Charlie a wink over Jack's shoulder. And Charlie laughed._

_"_ _Oh whatever!" Jack scoffed, pulling away from the hug. He ruffled Tony's hair, making the younger boy swat at him, ducking away from it. "What's twenty bucks?" he joked, pulling out his wallet and handing Charlie a twenty dollar bill._

_"_ _For you? Everything," Charlie joked, taking the bill from his brother's hand and pocketing it immediately._

_They always made that joke. Jack was not necessarily a starving artist, but he had definitely started out in that category. He designed sets now for their mother's theatre and also drew cartoons for his fiancé's children's books. He actually made quite a bit of money. "You guys are the worst," he stated, shaking his head._

_And Race laughed. "You know you love us!"_

_In fact, Jack did. He grinned and quickly wrapped an arm around the youngest boy's shoulders, pulling him close to his side and kissing the side of his head again. "Damn straight I love you," he admitted, shaking the kid a little, playfully and lightly before running a hand through his own thick brown hair._

_Race still winced. But he made sure to hide it._

_"_ _Hey, Jack... Charlie..." his husband greeted as he walked into the threshold of their small kitchen._

_It was insane to Racer how quickly his big brother could go from playful and fun loving, to completely solemn in less than a second flat. It was scary, actually. Jack's arm didn't move from around him as he reached out for Drake's hand. "Hey, Dillinger... how's it hangin'?" he asked, his voice even and cold._

_Drake gave him a tight smile. "Great... thanks..." It was almost always the same exchange. They'd shake hands. Pretend to be civil. But there was a look in both of their eyes that made Race nervous. The kind of look that radiated an anger that was beyond describing. They hated each other. They always had, and Race feared they always would._

_"_ _Hi, Drake," a much more cheery voice interrupted, sending a wave of relief down the younger boy's spine. He relaxed under Jack's arm as he watched his husband walk over to his other brother. Charlie didn't like Drake either. But he was better at pretending._

_Race didn't get it. Not really. Drake took care of him. Drake protected him. He loved Drake. But Jack and Charlie always told him he needed to get out._

_Sometimes he wanted out. But it wasn't a real desire. Drake was the love of his life. They'd die without each other. They needed each other._

_Race needed him._

Race needed to breathe. It was too hard. He couldn't think. There was no one. Nothing to keep him calm anymore. He was alone.

He'd done this.

_Harsh, cold, terrified gasps were all he could hear. Race didn't know what to say. He moved around them, cradled them in his lap as he pushed pressure to the deadly wound._

_"_ _Please... please... I need n' ambulance! He's dyin'!"_

_He didn't know who's phone he had. All he knew was that it wasn't his._

_"_ _Sir, I can't understand you, you have to calm down. Are you hurt?"_

_"_ _He... he's bleeding, please help him!" Race sobbed._

_"_ _T... Tony..."_

_"_ _Shhhhh... stay awake... please stay awake..."_

Race couldn't breathe. All he could see was red.

_They were sitting down to eat. And Race was thankful for that. He sat in between his wonderful mother and his husband who reached to hold his hand underneath the table. Race smiled over at him and then leaned to press a quick peck to his cheek as Jack brought the food out and set it on the table._

_Homemade lasagna. It was Race's favorite and they all knew it._

_"_ _Dig in, babies!"_

_"_ _Oh, Ace is gonna be mad she missed your lasagna, Mama," Jack said as he sat down. Medda immediately began to serve everyone._

_She laughed. "Well, she should think about that the next time she goes to California all by herself," she teased. Though, there was no malice behind it._

_Race tried not to let it hurt. Whenever they talked about Katherine it was always with a kind of admiration. Whenever they talked about Drake it always sounded sad and there was always some kind of warning that came with it. He hated that. He wished they could look at Drake like they looked at Katherine. He wished they'd just accept him._

_But they didn't. He was starting to think they never would._

_"_ _Why did Kat go ta California?" Race asked, scooping up a bite with his fork and shoving it in his mouth._

_Smiling a little, Jack responded, "She had a little girl write to her about her last book. Told her that she's in the hospital, cancer. So Kathy got in touch with her parents n' went ta visit her..."_

_A warmth flooded through Race's chest. That's why they adored Katherine. He did too. That woman was incredible._

_"_ _Why didn't you go with her?" The question was asked almost offhandedly. Race held back a flinch when his husband spoke like that. His voice was low and his gaze was pointed. He asked like he'd wanted Jack to go. Like he didn't want him here. Here we go, the younger man thought silently._

_Looking back up from his dinner plate, Jack's eyes met Drake's. For a moment he sat silently, as if he hadn't thought it was a real question. But eventually, he responded. "'Cause I've got another job," he responded obviously. "I can't just quit when I don't wanna go to it no more."_

_There it was. Jack was always good at discretely fighting. He always won those kinds of arguments. In fact, Race couldn't think of a time Jack had lost any fights. Ever._

_It was true enough that Drake had been through his fair share of jobs in the past. If he didn't like it, he'd move on. But he was getting better. He told Race he was getting better._

_"_ _I have a job, thank you very much," Drake defended quickly. Again, he reached for Race's hand. On top of the table this time. Only, all he was able to do was wrap a hand around Race's wrist._

_That night was still fresh in Race's mind. He flinched._

_Jack's eyes flashed in pure fury. But he didn't move. He couldn't. "For what? Two months? Impressive," he commented sarcastically instead, glancing down at Race before he locked in on Drake again. But his eyes hadn't settled on Race's own. Instead, they'd zeroed in on his wrist._

_"_ _Jack, stop it..." Charlie tried. Race couldn't speak. He didn't want to try. He just looked at Jack and shook his head, silently begging him to stop talking._

_"_ _You know what, I'm sorry that I didn't go to some fancy college and get a degree! Some of us didn't have Mommy's pocket to pick!" Race felt his own heart twitch at the accusation._

_Jack had earned every penny he spent for art school by himself. Medda offered to help. He'd turned her down. Race's gaze shot over to his lover's in shock for a moment. He'd never told him anything about how Jack went to college or how Jack grew up before Medda. Drake was just guessing._

_To his surprise, his big brother didn't reply. At least, not with words. He scoffed and shook his head and went back to eating._

_A silence swept over the room. Medda didn't say anything. Charlie didn't say anything. What could anyone say? If Jack spoke, the argument would keep going, if Drake spoke everyone would get even more angry, if Race spoke he'd be defending one of them and that meant choosing sides and Race was so done with choosing sides. He just wanted them all to get along._

_It was a long moment of tense quiet before Medda reached over and placed a loving hand on Race's shoulder. "How's the studio, baby?" she asked, clearly desperate to change the subject._

_But that only brought another ache to Race's chest. He could hardly dance. It hurt too much. "It's... it's good... they want me ta help choreograph the next production... we're not sure what it is yet..." he explained lamely. His studio was the best. He loved it there. He'd been apart of it ever since he was a kid._

_"_ _That's wonderful, Antonio! I'm so proud of you!" she exclaimed, leaning over to give him a kiss on the head. He smiled again at that._

_He'd be healed by then. It was one stupid mistake. It would be over by then._

_Race's smile disappeared, however, when he looked over at his oldest brother. Jack knew. Somehow, someway, Jack knew what had happened. And he was not so quick to forgive. Those green eyes bore into him, like he could see straight through him. And then he stood up. "Racer, come help me in the kitchen, please?" he asked, turning around and walking to the other room, not waiting for a response._

_The younger man knew better than to say no. He looked over at his family, slipping his wrist from Drake's grasp and pushing away from the table to follow his big brother into the kitchen._

_He wished he'd just disappear._

His clothes were drenched in a substance that made him nauseous. But all he could feel was numb. The tears were slowing, leaving his cheeks soaked through and his eyes red.

"Are you Antonio?"

"Yes..."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

Race blinked. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to remember.

"I... he... he got shot..."

"What about the other man?"

The numbness was wearing off. Race could only push the feelings away for so long.

"I... I killed him... I killed him..."

_When he made it into the other room, he found Jack, standing on a chair from the kitchen table that had been pushed up against the cabinets. "Jackie, what're ya doin'?" he asked, trying his best to sound annoyed. Right now, it was hard to feel anything. He wasn't sure he wanted to._

_The older man just opened the top cabinet and began to rifle through a few things before gently removing a fake wall along the side of it. It had been there as long as they could remember. No one was sure why. But the hiding space behind it wasn't deep enough to hide much of anything._

_Except a small piece of paper._

_Race's heart dropped._

_"_ _Have a seat, kid," his brother promoted, hopping down from his chair and lifting the thing up, placing it back at the table that Race mutely sat down at. Jack turned his own chair backwards, straddling the back of it as he sat down. He unfolded the flimsy piece of paper in his hands and laid it out flat on the table. Race could see his own handwriting mixed with Jack's scrawled all over it. And at the bottom, his own signature. "I, Antonio Issac Higgins, agree to be closely supervised, should my big brothers notice me begin to spiral out of control-"_

_"_ _Are you kidding me?" Race scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You still have that?"_

_Looking up at him, completely and totally serious, Jack only blinked. "The contract we made after you ran away and almost got hit by a car? Yeah. Still have it."_

_It had taken years for Race to truly even begin to understand how badly he'd scared Jack that night. But this was beyond what he'd expected. "Jack, that thing's like nine years old!" he argued, trying to keep his voice down. He didn't want anyone in the other room to hear this._

_Especially not Drake._

_"_ _Do you think I'm stupid?" Jack asked, sounding almost desperate._

_Race did not need this right now. He felt like he was suffocating. He wanted to run. "No, I don't think you're stupid, I think you're bein' ridiculous!" he whispered, leaning closer to the man in front of him. Jack had always protected him. He loved Jack more than life. But right now, Jack was driving him insane._

_"_ _Kid, you are scared of him and he knows it."_

_Race felt himself pale just a little bit. He swallowed hard and pushed away from the table, standing to his feet. "Drop it, Jack... seriously..." That was all he could think to say. He tried to turn around, go back out, sit beside his husband and pretend that he was okay. He was. He loved that man._

_But before he could leave the room a hand caught his arm. He flinched and tried to pull away. Jack was stronger than him. "Hey!" he hissed quietly, pulling the kid back. "Please... just... Race, you're my baby brother... I put up with Drake because you swore you loved him four years ago... but... if he is hurting you-"_

_"_ _I swear ta God, Jack, just drop it!" he hissed, ripping himself out of his brother's grip and turning to walk back out of the kitchen._

_Maybe Drake was right. They shouldn't have come._

_But Jack rushed around him, blocking his exit. And Race gave him a irritated look. "I... I can't let you go back out there until I know you're okay..."_

_The younger boy did not say anything. He just stood there, trying not to let his eyes focus too much on the pure desperation in his big brother's eyes. It wasn't working. His brother was scared for him. And Race hated it. "Drake loves me-"_

_"_ I _love you..." Jack stressed, placing his hands on Race's shoulders. "Me and Charlie an' Medda. We love you. We're your family, kid, n' we're worried about you!" Then his hand reached down for Race's right wrist. "What happened?"_

_Race's eyes widened. He hadn't looked. Not since it happened. He hadn't thought it was that bad, but his grey, long sleeved sweater slid down easily. The bruise on his wrist was deep and dark. "That... it's not... he didn't-"_

_Jack sighed and shook his head. "Look, you got nothin' ta hide, pal... I'm here n' I'm listenin' n' I will protect you, no matter what, you understand?" He gently pulled the kid's arm to his chest, cradling it gently. Tears pricked at Race's eyes._

_It was still fresh in his mind._

_"_ _It wasn't his fault... I... it was my fault... so just leave it, okay?"_

_He ripped himself away from his big brother and stormed out of the room._

_Jack stood there, completely still._

It hadn't always been a nightmare.

His family hated the man he'd married when he was nineteen. It wasn't unheard of. But he'd never imagined this.

_He was whimpering. The man in Race's lap. He was in too much pain to speak. Race didn't know what to do. He pressed down on the wound harder. "Please... I need you..."_

"Hey... hey... I know this is scary... I'm not here ta take you ta jail... but ya gotta tell me what happened..." The man in front of him was an officer. Race couldn't take in the details. All he could see was the badge that hung around the man's neck on a chain.

"I didn't know what ta do..."

"That's okay, Antonio... just relax..."

Only Race couldn't relax. He couldn't breathe.

_"_ _Baby... are you okay?"_

_His husband was fuming. Had been since he'd gotten home. It was Monday night. Race was still hurt. But he'd gone to dance anyways._

_He couldn't handle it again. Not this soon. Drake said he was getting better._

_The other man grabbed a glass off the table and threw it forcibly at the wall. It shattered and Race jumped, stumbling back till his back hit the wall. He went stiff._

_The man in the kitchen let out a scream. Race's eyes widened. The man wasn't drunk. He was just angry. "Goddammit!" he cried, his hands slamming down on the table._

_Race was frozen on the spot. He didn't know what to do._

_"_ _Drake... please calm down-"_

_"_ _Don't tell me to calm down!"_

_Flinching, Race closed his eyes, trying like hell not to cry. He didn't mean it. Drake didn't mean it. He was just angry. He had to remember that. "Okay..." he breathed. "What-"_

_"_ _They fired me!"_

_Race's heart dropped. He wasn't surprised. He was just scared._

_"_ _Didn't do a goddamned thing to them and they fired me!" The man wasn't thinking clearly. Race knew that. But he was still scared._

_"_ _Baby... it's okay-"_

_"_ _It is not okay! Do you have any idea what the hell you're talking about?!"_

_Don't be stupid, he reminded himself. He didn't move. He didn't know what he could do. If he moved, Drake would tell him to stay. If he stayed for too long, Drake would tell him to move. There was no winning here. "I'm sorry..."_

_"_ _Would you stop talking!" He grabbed the vase on the table. He swung it at Race. The younger man ducked, gasping as glass shattered just above him._

_They both froze. Their eyes locked. Both of them were in complete shock._

_Drake recovered first. "Baby-"_

_Race stepped away from his hand when he reached for him. He blinked the tears out of his eyes. He turned and started to make his way to the front door, shaking his head. He just needed some space. They both did._

_But his arm was grabbed. He was spun around roughly and forcefully pulled to his husband's chest. "Don't leave! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!"_

_Race felt his breaths speed up. He was scared. He wanted to run._

_He pushed away from his lover as best he could, turning around to try to get to the door. But Drake still had a good grip on him. "Tony, stop it!" Tony didn't stop. He kept fighting. But Drake kept trying to pull him back. "You can't just run away!"_

_"_ _Let go!" He was already begging. He sounded pathetic._

_"_ _Don't you dare walk out on me, Race!"_

_Race had no intention of leaving for good. He was nothing without Drake. He knew that. Drake and him were a single unit. They had been for four years. But he had to get out right now. He needed to take a breath of fresh air._

_He stepped hard on Drake's foot and the hold on him immediately loosened. And Race ran for the door, grabbing his sweatshirt on his way out and letting the door slam shut behind him._

"Antonio... are you sure you're not hurt?"

"Please stop callin' me that..." It was too formal. He didn't want to be here. He wanted something familiar.

"Okay... do you like Tony?"

Race nodded. That was good enough.

"Alright... Tony... I need you ta think real hard..."

_"_ _Jackie... can I come over?"_

_"_ _Of course you can, kid..."_

It was a mistake. He shouldn't have gone there.

_"_ _Bad night?"_

_Race didn't respond. His big brother was leaning against the doorframe, his hands in his pockets. He wasn't wearing a shirt. It was only then that Race realized how late it was._

_"_ _Ya hungry?"_

_All Race had to do was nod before Jack welcomed him in, ruffling his hair gently as he passed by. Race melted beneath the touch that he'd normally push away. His body was relieved at the softness of it._

_"_ _I've got some left over Chinese in the fridge... n' a beer on the bottom shelf..."_

_Jack knew him too well. He grabbed the beer first. The glass bottle was freezing in his hand, but Race took a swig of it anyways, reaching in and grabbing a box off of the top shelf. He immediately opened it and put it in the microwave._

_The second he hit start, he was spinning back around. He collapsed against his big brother who had been waiting there the whole time. The man slipped the glass from his hands and set it on the counter beside them before wrapping Race up tight. "Hey... I'm right here... it's gonna be okay..."_

_Nodding against his brother's bare shoulder, Race sniffled. It would be. He believed that. It just wasn't right now. Right now, he was not okay. "Sorry I woke you up..." Race whispered, his voice watery._

_"_ _Don't be sorry, pal... just tell me what's goin' on..." he encouraged lightly, pulling back just a bit and clipping his brother's chin. "Kath won't be back till tomorrow mornin'... It's just you n' me t'night... ya know you can tell me anythin'..."_

_Race sighed and leaned into Jack's hand when it moved to cup his cheek. Jack always used to tell him he was so much like a cat when it came to touch. He'd always nudge his way in for a pat on the head. It used to make Jack laugh._

_"_ _I j'st wanna sit down... can't we just... watch a movie?"_

_Sighing a little bit as the microwave went off, Jack nodded. "Okay... yeah... we can do that..."_

_They ended up on Jack's old couch, Race's head in the older man's lap as fingers stroked through his curly blond hair. The blue eyed boy tugged his sweatshirt further around himself and closed his eyes. It was late. He felt horrible._

_Jack should be asleep. He had to pick up Katherine in the morning. And yet, he was sitting here, awake, a movie playing in the background as he comforted his baby brother._

_Race was there for hours. It was close to two in the morning now._

_He was safe. He was with Jack and he was safe._

_Until a loud knock came at the door, startling both young men on the couch._

_"_ _Open the door! I know you're in there, Antonio!" Race shot up._

_"_ _Jesus Christ," Jack muttered, blinking himself awake and standing to his feet, quickly making his way over to the door, locking the the chain before pulling it open as far as it could go. "Do you have any idea what time it is?!" he hissed._

_Race sat on the couch, frozen. He didn't want to see the other man yet. He just wanted to sleep._

_The other man was drunk now. He had to be drunk._

_"_ _I swear to God, Jack! Let me in!"_

_"_ _Tony ain't here. Get lost." Jack lied. Straight through his teeth. And he didn't even flinch. He went to close the door again. But a hand stopped him._

_"_ _I know he's here. Open the damn door!"_

_The man was definitely drunk._

_"_ _I don't know what you're talkin' about... but I was asleep till you showed up. So if ya don't want me ta call the cops on ya, ya better get lost." Again, Jack tried to close the door._

_It was then that it occurred to Race that Drake could've tracked his phone._

_Suddenly, Race was terrified. And he curled in on himself._

_"_ _You know what Jack, I have put up with you for years because Race thinks that your the most important person in his life. But ya know what?" Race watched his big brother. He couldn't see his husband._

_His brother took a step back._

_"_ _I'm done with you."_

_Race heard a click. He couldn't place what it was. Not until his brother's eyes widened. Not until he was raising up his hands. "What the_ fuck _?_ _"_ _he asked slowly, not truly believing what was happening._

_"_ _Open the door right now, Kelly."_

_"_ _Jack!" Race called quietly, rushing over to step between his brother and the man he loved._

_There he was. Drake. Standing with a pistol in his hand. Race couldn't breathe._

_"_ _Open the door," the handsome man demanded again, pointing it at both of them. "Now."_

_"_ _Babe, you're drunk... please... you can't-"_

_"_ _Shut your mouth and open the goddamn door!"_

"How did your husband know how ta find you?"

The question caught Race off guard. Like he was confused why the officer was even asking. "He... he makes me share my location with him... he... said... uhm... said he'd have it turned off if I didn't..."

"So he pays for your phone?"

Reaching up to wipe at the tears that began all over again, Race shook his head. "N-no... not anymore... he used to... his name's on everythin'... he has all the passwords..."

He knew how scared he sounded. He couldn't help it.

"Tony... can you take a deep breath for me?"

No. He couldn't.

_Race reached up for the lock. He pulled the chain away shakily and clumsily. Drake slammed the door open. The youngest boy felt his big brother pull him back by the arm. A soft tug, but it was enough to put him at Jack's side._

_"_ _Drake, put the gun down... seriously..." Race begged, raising his hands up only a little, trying to calm the man down._

_The thing was pointed directly at Jack. The man's rage seemed to be getting the better of him. "Four years an' I got nothing but shit from you... you are the one who's keeping my husband from me!"_

_"_ _Drake, stop it!" Race cried again. But Jack grabbed his arm again, pulling the boy fully behind him._

_"_ _Drake, you ain't thinkin' straight... put that thing down... you're gonna hurt somebody-"_

_"_ _That's the idea, Jackie-boy..." Drake lips curled into a sort of smirk. Race grabbed for Jack's arm. "Ya know... if it wasn't for you, Race would be at home right now. Where he belongs. With me." He took a step closer to them. Jack took a step back. "Get on your knees, Jack. Now."_

_Tightening his grasp on his big brother's arm, Race shook his head. "Baby... no one is keepin' me from you... Jack isn't-"_

_"_ _On your knees, Kelly! Now!" Jack did it. Race could see his chest rising and falling quicker than normal. It occurred to the boy right then that he'd never once seen Jack this scared. The man's eyes were wide. His hands were shaking._

_The hold on the other man's arm did not loosen. Race went down with him. "Drake, leave him alone... let's go home... please... I just wanna go home..."_

_"_ _We ain't goin' home... we're movin'... far..."_

_That was when the fear was practically radiating off of Jack. "No... no... you ain't... you ain't takin' my brother..."_

_"_ _Shut up!" the broken man marched over to them, resting the nozzle of his pistol on top of Jack's head. "Just, shut up! No one asked you ta speak!"_

_The air was getting thinner. Race couldn't breathe. "Jack, stop it... please... I..." he scared sob escaped him. For a moment, he rest his forehead on his brother's shoulder. And then he pressed a quick kiss to the side of his head. "I love you..."_

_"'_ _Tonio-"_

_"_ _I'm coming, Drake... let's go... please... please let's just go..."_

_He wanted to scream. But he couldn't._

_"_ _Antonio, do not go with him." Jack had never been so serious in his life. He'd never been this terrified. "Don't you even dare..." He was begging. Because he knew Race._

_He knew Race was going to go with him._

_The younger man rose up slowly, locking eyes with the man whom he'd once called the love of his life. He slowly moved past his brother. With one glance back down at him, he looked up at Drake. And he craned his neck up to slowly kiss his husband._

_Drake kissed him back immediately. But the gun stayed pointed up at Jack._

_A hand tangled in Race's curls as his own cupped his husband's face. It was too long before he pulled away. "Let's go... please..." he begged. He kissed Drake's chin. "I love you..." He kissed Drake's neck._

_Drake relaxed. Just a little bit. It was enough for Race. It wouldn't be so bad. Drake would calm down in the morning. He could apologize to Jack in the morning. But right now, they needed to go home._

_But he was so focused on his husband, that he forgot to keep an eye on his overprotective brother. His recklessly overprotective brother._

_A shot went off. Race gasped and jumped away, only to stumble and fall back onto the ground._

_Jack was up. No one was hit. Race didn't know where the bullet went. He didn't care. They were struggling. His big brother and his husband. They were fighting for the pistol._

_"_ _No! Stop it!"_

_Another shot was fired. It went into the ceiling._

_Jack shoved Drake into the wall. Drake tripped Jack and got pulled to the ground as the other man went down. The gun ended up above their heads._

_Race's heart was beating too fast. He got up. "Stop it!" he screamed again. He stood, trying to figure out what to do. He looked around._

_His eyes landed on a bat. Jack's bat by the front door. He rushed towards it._

_Drake managed to get a good punch in, right on Jack's right eye. And he reached for the gun._

_Another shot was fired._

_But this time, someone screamed._

_Race's eyes widened. He looked up and his entire world stopped. "No!"_

_Drake stood up. Jack didn't._

_The gun was lifted up again. "I'm so tired of you, Kelly..." Drake decided. There was blood soaking through his shirt. It wasn't his._

_"_ _No..." Race breathed._

_Drake lifted up the gun. It was level with what Race assumed was his brother's skull._

_The boy didn't think._

_He reacted._

_He didn't feel himself swing. He couldn't see straight. He heard someone scream._

_His throat was raw._

_Shock took him over completely. The weapon fell from his hands with a clang and Race fell to his knees, his chest locked, unable to move or allow air into his lungs. He couldn't breathe._

_Drake's eyes were open. But they didn't see anything._

_He didn't understand what had just happened. Or why it had happened at all._

_But a gasp met his ears._

_Race let a sob rip from his throat as he tried to remember how to make his limbs move._

_Jack was still alive. Jack was still breathing._

_But it wouldn't last for long._

_Race cried hard when he saw the blood pooling around his brother's side. The other man was shaking. His eyes were wide. There were tears streaming down his face._

_Race had never seen Jack lose a fight._

_The wound was already exposed. Jack wasn't wearing a shirt._

_Race's entire body trembled, almost as much as Jack's did. His hand hovered above the wound. "O-oh my God..."_

_The man whimpered. He gasped for air. His hand reached for the wound and his eyes squeezed shut. Race stopped him. Jack couldn't fight. Not now. And that scared Race. "T... T..." Jack was hardly breathing. His body was starting to relax._

_"_ _N-no... no, no..." Race sobbed. "You're okay! Breath..." he tried. His voice shook. He forced his own sweatshirt off of his shoulders. "Just breath..." he pleaded. But Jack was hardly moving. His eyes were drooping. Race panicked. "Open your eyes... Come back! It's okay! It's over now! Your okay... Wake up! Please wake up!" He was practically screaming now, not knowing whether he was trying to keep his bleeding brother awake or trying to get himself out of this godawful nightmare. "Don't do this to me! Don't do this to me!" He pressed down on the wound. Jack only grunted in response. "Don't do this to me... I love you so much... Come back..."_

_His mind couldn't fully process what had just happened. All he knew was that Jack was here, bleeding heavily, and not calming him down. Jack always calmed him down._

_"_ _Jackie... please don't go..."_

_All Race could see was red._


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyyyy guys.
> 
> It is day 2 of semi quarantine in the SomedayonBroadway household. If SomedayonBroadway lived alone, SomedayonBroadway would be freaking living it up right now. Since that's not the case, it's getting a little tense here. I hope that's not the case with you guys. I hope things are going well and I hope everyone is safe and healthy and not ready to gouge their eyes out quite yet.
> 
> Anyways...
> 
> Please enjoy!

Race was shaking. He couldn't stop. He was still covered in blood. It soaked through his shirt.

He felt nauseous.

"Tony? Tony!"

"Charlie?"

He was pulled into someone chest in an instant. He let it happen. He collapsed, falling into his big brother's lap, letting a couple more sobs escape him as Charlie's hands ran through his hair. "Hi, I'm Charlie... I'm Tony's brother..." he heard the older boy introduce.

He didn't move.

"My name's Conlon... Sean... but most people just call me Spot," the officer replied. Race didn't look up. He just let his body go limp. He wanted to pass out. But he wasn't sure he could close his eyes.

"Nice to meet you, Spot... can I just... can we have a minute?" Charlie asked quietly. His voice sounded shaken.

The hands made a steady motion through the boy's hair, again and again. Race tried to calm down. He couldn't.

The officer must've nodded, because Race heard him stand from the seat across from him in the quiet waiting room. He heard the quiet footsteps and the sound of the door opening and closing as he walked away. Jack was behind those heavy grey doors. This room was empty, save for them.

Everything was too quiet.

"Racer, are you hurt?"

Everyone had asked him that. Race didn't know why. He didn't understand. The cops, the EMTs, everyone had asked him if he was hurt. He didn't know. He couldn't feel anything anymore.

"I... I don't know..." he replied, just as he'd replied so many times before. "I just... Crutchie... I-"

"Talk ta me, kiddo... what happened? Where's Drake?" Charlie asked quietly, leaning down to press a kiss to his baby brother's shoulder. Race sniffled and stretched his legs out on the chairs beside him.

They must not have told Crutchie much over the phone. He hadn't had the strength to call him himself. But that question made the kid break. His breaths sped up as he tried to figure out how he was going to live with himself for the rest of his life. "I... Drake-"

"Baby?!"

"I got him, Mama..."

"Have you guys heard anything yet?"

It was all too much. Race couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. There were two more people in the room. He couldn't look at them. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

Before Race could blink, someone was squatting down in front of him. "Race, what. Happened?" It was David. Jack's best friend. The two had been inseparable since freshman year of college.

David looked terrified.

Sobbing even harder, Race tried to figure out what to say. His mouth opened, as if words would magically form for him. He didn't want to speak. He didn't want to think. He just wanted Jack.

"Davey, he's scared, okay? Back off," Charlie demanded calmly. But Race felt the arm around him tighten as the hand in his hair settled. Another hand was on his leg. Race flinched.

"It's just me, baby... it's Mama..." the woman promised. Race didn't look down at her. He just buried his face in Charlie's leg.

The second he closed his eyes, he saw dead grey ones staring back at him, unseeing, but still somehow looking betrayed. Race sobbed.

And then he saw the strongest man he'd ever known, crying out in pain over and over again as he bled out on his own living room floor.

He just wanted Jack.

_"Oh that's Jack. Don't pay him any mind right now... he's in one of his dazes..."_

_Jack. Little Tony stared at the older boy. According to his social worker, there would be two other boys in this house. This was the oldest. Jack Kelly. Sixteen, if he remembered correctly._

_Tony didn't want to be anywhere near that boy. He looked all too focused, though there was a pencil gripped tightly in his hands and what looked like a small sketch pad in his lap. There were earbuds in his ears and a hat backwards on his head._

_The boy looked so much bigger than him. Tony didn't like bigger boys. They liked to pick on him. Because he was smaller. Younger. Easy to mess with._

_He wished they'd just let him go home. Or at least have a smoke._

_Just as Tony was about to look up, to look away, those green eyes flickered up._

_"Oh, are you back with us, honey?" The kind woman beside him asked. Tony hid behind her just slightly. And Jack smirked._

_"I am if this is the newbie," he replied, taking the headphones out of his ears and tossing everything aside. "Hey, kiddo... I'm Jack..." he introduced, standing up and taking a couple steps forward. "You must be Antonio-"_

_"Tony," he corrected immediately, taking a step back as Jack looked down at him. He didn't like this. He didn't want to be here. His mother wasn't that bad. He just wanted something familiar._

_But the older boy's smile never faded. And Medda made no move to protect him from whatever was coming. "Okay. Tony... it's nice ta meet ya. Ya need some help with your bag?"_

_In all honesty, his back was starting to get heavy. He wasn't sure he'd slept the night before. He was tired. But he shook his head and tried again to hide behind his new foster mother._

_She gave him a sad smile but stepped aside and gave him a full view of his new foster brother. The older boy did not take any steps closer to him. "Okay... can I show you your room?" he asked._

_Tony did not like this boy. He wouldn't leave him alone._

_He wanted a smoke._

_"It's okay, sweetheart... it's just upstairs. I'll be right down here in the kitchen if you need me," Medda promised, resting a hand on his head. "Jack will take you up to meet Charlie, okay?"_

_She didn't give him a choice. She just nodded at Jack and then turned to make her way to the kitchen. And Tony was left alone with this stranger who could kill him with his bare hands._

_But the bag over his shoulder was slipped away. And Jack slung it over his own. "C'mon, kid... Charlie can't wait ta meet ya!"_

_The kid shyly followed the other boy to the stairs. He watched Jack practically bounce up the steps. And he followed. Where else could he go?_

_"Crutchie! He's here!" Jack exclaimed, rushing into one of the rooms at the top of the stairs. The younger boy stood awkwardly at the top, not sure whether or not he should follow._

_But Jack was back out there in a second. "It's okay, kid. Ain't no one gonna hurt ya here," he promised, rushing up to the boy and wrapping an arm over his shoulders. Tony tensed. But he didn't shrug off the touch._

_It was oddly calming._

_And, once he was inside the room, he found another boy perched up on a window cushion, freely typing away at his computer, only to look up with a grin when he stepped into the room. "Hey! You must be An-"_

_"Tony!" Jack corrected immediately, looking down and giving him a smile to match this other boy's. Charlie. This must've been Charlie._

_"Tony," Charlie repeated. "Nice ta meet ya, pal! You can call me Charlie, or Crutchie... whichever's easiest for ya..." he joked, reaching for two metal crutches leaned up against the wall beside him. Tony's eyes widened. The boy limped up closer to him. It looked like one of his legs didn't work. "You need anythin', you come ta me or Jack... we got ya," he promised, giving him a pat on the shoulder._

_Tony just wanted a cigarette. Just one. Just to make this easier. "Ok..." he mumbled, his voice sounding just a little bit petrified._

_"Okay..." Crutchie repeated, a small smile on his face. "Here, your room's across the hall from Jack's," explained, heading out of the room he was in._

_They both seemed so happy he was there. Tony didn't understand. But he followed them down the hall where he found his own room waiting for him._

_There was a bed. Already made up. Black and white comforter and pillows contrasting each other perfectly. The walls were white, save for one. That one was dark blue with empty frames and hooks hanging on it. "Thank Jack for the decorating. He did it ta my room too when I first got here... he won't feel bad if ya don't like it..."_

_He heard Jack scoff. He didn't want to turn around. He blinked back that tears that stung at his eyes._

_These people were so excited to have him. And they'd didn't even know him yet._

_They had no idea the true mess he was._

_"Thank you, Jack..." he mumbled out, taking in the room made just for him._

_It was perfect._

Everything went quiet for a moment. Race tried to convince himself that everything was okay. He couldn't. He tried desperately to keep his eyes open, where all he saw was a sickening white color. But the second he closed them again, he shook his head.

Dead eyes. It's all he could see. Dead eyes and blood on his hands.

So much blood.

"David... honey... would you mind getting Katherine from the airport?"

Race only let another sob out at his mother's request. His brother was supposed to pick up Katherine. His brother would stay up all night with him and then go to the airport to bring his fiancé home safely. Because Jack was amazing. Jack was good and safe and pure and Race might have killed him.

He couldn't breathe. He felt nauseous.

"Yeah... Yeah... I'll be back..." he stated. Race heard him stand. He didn't look up. Crutchie ran another hand through his hair. "Call me as soon as you hear somethin', okay?"

Race whimpered. David sounded so sad. And it was his fault. But he didn't have time to apologize again before the man himself was squatting down in front of him. "He'll be alright, kid... you know Jack... he's strong, remember?"

The kid only sniffled, whimpering just a bit as he hid all over again. They hadn't seen Jack. Not when he couldn't speak. Not when he had tears streaming down his face. Jack thought he was going to die. Jack was scared. And Race was scared too.

_Running was the only logical thing to do. It had to be. That's why he'd done it. Run, that is. Because he couldn't stay there._

_He didn't deserve them._

_He didn't know where he was. He didn't know where he was going. All he knew was, Medda had caught him. He just wanted one hit. Just one._

_One had turned into ten a little too quickly._

_His high wasn't doing much for him. Not at the moment. He didn't care. He just wanted away. To where, he didn't know. But he knew he wanted away._

_He didn't know where he was. And he never would figure out how Jack did._

_"Tony! Tony, stop!"_

_Maybe he'd been there this whole time. Maybe Tony had just been so focused on crying and getting away that he hadn't noticed._

_He didn't yell back. He just kept running. Because he didn't want this._

_He didn't want to burden another family. Another home. That's all he was. A burden._

_"Tony!"_

_He didn't see the lights. He didn't even know how he'd gotten here. Maybe it was on purpose. Maybe subconsciously he'd wanted this. But he froze when he heard the loud honk. His heart tightened._

_What was he doing?_

_"Tony, no!" Arms were around him. He was shoved to the ground. It hurt. Pain shot through his right wrist and his hands that had been scraped trying to break his fall._

_But he didn't have time to figure out all of what had just happened. Because someone scooped him up and threw him over their shoulder._

_That was when he suddenly found his voice. "Put me down! Lemme go!" Jack didn't. He said nothing as he carried him over to the side of the road to a bus bench that happened to be empty. He was thrown down onto it. He made a move to stand and run again, but his forearms were grabbed right below his elbows. He hissed. But Jack did not let go._

_"What... in the actual hell... were you thinking?" he asked, almost completely out of breath._

_They'd been running for a while._

_"Just get offa me! Leave me alone!" the younger boy screamed. People were watching. But Jack paid them no mind._

_Tony could feel the eyes on him. He hated that._

_"You think I'm gonna leave you alone afta' that?! Ya got another thing comin', kid!" Jack yelled, shaking him only a little. "Why were you runnin'?"_

_A bitter laugh escaped the boy as he broke all over again, shaking his head and letting the tears fall as the small sobs escaped his lips. "I... I d-don't know..."_

_"Bullshit, Antonio!" Jack called, staring him down firmly. "You don't get ta run off like that n' do somethin' that stupid and not know why! Do you have any idea what coulda just happened-"_

_"I don't belong there, alright?!" he finally cried, looking up at his foster brother finally._

_But Jack didn't move. "What? Because ya got high?" he asked, his voice loud and pointed. "You think I ain't gotten high before?" he asked. "You think_ Charlie _ain't gotten high before?" That was what made Race pause for a minute. Because no, he hadn't thought that. "Newsflash, kid, we're teenagers. Teenagers do stupid stuff. Troubled ones especially. And you ain't the first troubled kid that Medda's taken in," he stated obviously._

_The boy didn't know what to say. He tried to get out of Jack's grip, only for Jack to kneel down in front of him, still grasping his arms carefully. "Kid... you can't just... you can talk ta me... you can talk ta Charlie... hell, you can tell Medda you'd rather talk to a complete stranger, just as long as you're talkin' ta somebody!" Jack insisted. Tony could see the tears beginning to fill up in his eyes, even through his own. "I'm scared for you, Tony..."_

_Tony was scared too. He really was. "I... d-don't wanna talk ta nobody... I just..." he cut himself off with a shrug. He didn't know what he wanted. He just didn't want to deal with this. Not right now._

_"Look, I know ya wanna see your ma... I know everything changed really fast for you... but I can promise you that nothin' is gonna change from here on out..." There was a sincerity in Jack's eyes. One that made the boy's heart clench. "I am your brother now... I am gonna look out f'r you, I swear... you got me, ya got Charlie, ya got Medda, the last thing you are is alone, do you understand?"_

_For a moment, the kid didn't reply, simply staring down at the older boy, trying to figure out what that meant. He hadn't been alone before. He'd had his mother._

_But this was different._

_All he could do was shrug. And Jack sighed. "Alright, c'mon... we're goin' home..." he breathed, picking the child up again. Tony let him. Cautiously, he wrapped his arms around Jack's neck and let his eyes droop._

_He didn't know what was happening. But he supposed it was okay._

Sniffling, Race reached up to wipe at his eyes. Charlie thumbed at the base of his hair, right at the top of the side of his neck.

They still didn't know what he'd done. That this was his fault.

That Drake wasn't coming and that he never would again.

It seemed like an eternity. It would be a long life. Race didn't know why he was still alive. After what just happened, everlasting darkness actually sounded peaceful. He didn't know what to do with himself. He felt disgusting. He just didn't know what to do.

He wasn't sobbing. He didn't think he could. He was too tired. But his cheeks were still soaked. And he couldn't close his eyes. All he could do was let Charlie's hand brush over his curls over and over again. It was his only constant in this world that had taken such a dark turn.

In truth, Race knew his life had never been too bright to begin with. But this was certainly something else.

He couldn't move.

It had only been a few minutes. It had to have been. The officer still hadn't come back. He turned to look, just to see if he could spot that man that would likely slap handcuffs around his wrists and haul him away any moment now.

That's when he saw it. The commotion. Nurses rushing towards the doors that they'd taken his brother through.

He was up in a second.

He wrenched the door open and tried to run with them. To his brother. To Jack. "What's goin' on?!" he screamed. Arms encircled his torso. Pain shot through him. More than one kind. "Jack!" he screamed.

"Tony, calm down... it's okay..." It was the officer. Spot. He hadn't gone far.

Medda was rushing towards him. No one was speaking to them. But that didn't stop them from hearing the words that were said next. "We got a flatline! We're losing him!"

"No!" he screamed, trying desperately to fight against the strong arms. "Jack!"

Medda wasn't trying to calm him down anymore. His mother was sobbing too.

And it was Race's fault.

_"What's that?"_

_"It's a contract. Just between you n' me," Jack stated easily, sitting across the table from him. "Just so that what happened today won't neva' happen again..." he explained calmly._

_Tony ran a hand through his damp hair. Jack had told him to shower. That it would make him feel better. It did. He felt calmer now. "Wha's it say?"_

_Without a reply, Jack slid it across the table to him._

_It was blank._

_"Whatever you want it to say, pal... just... somethin'... anythin' I can do ta help when you start feelin' like... like doin' that again..." the older boy said quietly. He slid a pen across the table. "Just write somethin'... please..."_

_"Like what?" the little boy asked, looking up at this person who had been a stranger only two months ago._

_"Like... you agree ta let me keep a closer eye on you whenever I think you're... spiraling out of control... whenever I think ya might get hurt..." Jack suggested, reaching across the table to run a hand over his foster brother's hair. Tony could see his eyes widen in shock just a little when he didn't immediately pull away. He looked back down at the blank page and started writing._

Race couldn't breathe. Everything was blurry. He slid to the ground. The officers arms were still around him. He didn't know why.

Someone was screaming. He had no idea at the time that it was himself.

They all walked through those two doors. All of those nurses. Because Jack had flatlined.

They were losing him.

Another pair of arms surrounded him. Race couldn't hear anything else. Just a ringing in his ears. But suddenly, he was pulled into someone's chest. A hand was running through his hair. Smoothing back his curls. "-breathe... just breathe... please..."

" _Clear_!"

Race flinched.

"We got a heartbeat!"

That made Race shoot up. Charlie was there. Charlie was holding him.

But Race couldn't stop crying.

_Charlie was holding him. He couldn't stop crying._

_It was his own fault. He didn't understand. He shouldn't have said anything. It was stupid._

_"Calm down, kid... Jack's gonna be fine..."_

_Jack was sitting in a hospital room getting a cast on his wrist. And it was Race's fault._

_"He shouldn't a' been there..." he whimpered, curling up in his brother's lap. "Why did he do that?"_

_Letting out a long sigh, Charlie just continued to pet his hair. "Beats me, bud... Jack's first instinct is ta protect... he... he learned when he was younger that people leave him alone if he hits 'em..." It was almost funny, the way Charlie said it. But it wasn't making Race feel any better._

_Medda had told them to stay put. To sit tight while she got Jack taken care of. Race felt horrible._

_"This ain't your fault, you know that?" No. The truth was, Race didn't know that. "Those guys shouldn't have been messin' with ya... Jack was right about that..."_

_"They didn't say nothin' that wasn't true..." He didn't know why he was defending them. Their words hurt. But they were true. He knew they were true. "My motha' is in jail... my dad too... I smoke n' I can't focus on nothin'-"_

_"Racer?"_

_"What?"_

_"Go ta sleep..."_

_The demand was quiet. But Race sniffled. "Okay..."_

_There, laying across his brother's lap in an ER waiting room, Race fell asleep, an oddly warm feeling in his chest._

_Jack was going to be okay. They were all going to be okay._

The tears had slowed now. At least for the moment. Officer Conlon was speaking quietly to Medda outside the door to the waiting room. Race rested his head on Crutchie's shoulder. The older man's cheek rested on his hair.

Race curled up at his brother's side. It had been hours now. It had to have been. Jack wasn't strong enough for them to see him. That's what they'd said. Race didn't want to think. He just wanted to see Jack. He just needed to see him.

The door opened quietly. Race curled in further on himself. He didn't want to know what would happen next.

But his mother kneeled down in front of him anyways. "Baby..." she whispered, reaching up to cup his cheek. "He was hurting you, wasn't he?"

He didn't answer her. He couldn't.

"Antonio... talk to me-"

"Ya wouldn't understand..." he whimpered out pathetically, knowing he sounded like a stupid teenager who just wanted to be left alone. But he didn't want to be left alone.

He just wasn't sure he understood himself.

"Honey... was Drake hurting you?" the woman asked again, wiping at a stray tear that fell down the boy's cheeks. Still he remained silent. He sniffled and tried to look anywhere but right at his mother's eyes. But that was all the reply that she needed. "Why didn't you tell somebody-"

Letting out a small sob, Race forced his voice to work. "I loved him, okay?!" he hissed quietly, still curled up against his brother's side. But by the arms that went to surround him, he knew that Charlie was no longer sleeping. "He... he loved me! He... he just-"

"Racer, what're ya talkin' about?" his brother asked softly.

It was too much. "Drake is dead, okay?! He's dead and it's my fault!"

He hadn't meant to scream like that. He hadn't meant to just blurt it out. But he wasn't ready to admit it.

A smoke. He needed a smoke. His hands were shaking.

Standing up fast, he rushed from the room, from the building, not even bothering with the elevator and heading straight for the stairs. He didn't know if anyone was following him. He didn't care.

_"Jackie?"_

_"Hey, kiddo! What's up?"_

_Jack was putting a shirt on and grabbing for a jacket. He was in a rush. Going out. Maybe to meet someone. Race didn't know who. He didn't have time or energy to think about it._

_Maybe he should turn around, say forget it. But Jack slowed down when he didn't immediately respond. He turned to him as the boy still hovered in the doorway. "What's wrong, pal?"_

_Race sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Jack walked over to him slowly. But Race shook his head. "Nothin'... it... it don't matta'..." he tried to say, backing away to rush back to his own room._

_But his big brother just followed up, wrapping arms around him from behind and pulling him back gently. "Hey... what's a' matta'?" he asked, gently spinning him around._

_Race looked up at the older boy. "Nothin'... it's nothin'..." he tried again, but Jack looked down at him with eyes that clearly said he didn't believe that. "My... my dad made parole..."_

_Saying it just made it worse. And Jack's eyes widening made him want to cry all over again. "Oh Racer..." he sighed, reaching to pull him into a hug. The boy let him, but blinked the tears back. He had to stop crying. He'd done it too much already._

_He was scared._

_"He wants ta see me..."_

_Jack held him tighter. And Race let him. "You don't have to see him if you don't wanna... no one's gonna make you... n' if anyone tries, they got me ta answer to..." the older boy swore, smoothing his hair back. The younger boy sniffled and buried his head in Jack's chest._

_It had only been two years since he'd last seen his father. It hadn't been long enough. "I j'st... he ain't neva' been questioned about how he treated me... n' he probably neva' will be... n' I's scared he might-"_

_At that, Jack scooped the thirteen year old up in his arms. "Hey, you're almost officially adopted! Don't think like that," he hushed._

_"But-"_

_"Kid, he wants ta get ta you he's gotta go through a hell a' a lotta other people ta make it... I won't let that happen... I promise..." Race felt himself being set back down. He wasn't sure he wanted Jack to let go. But he let him anyways, knowing he was keeping him from something._

_He just wasn't sure what._

_"Hey... look at me..." his big brother coaxed. Race did. And Jack smiled. "I gotchu. I swear I do. Do you trust me?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay... do you want me ta stay?"_

_That was Jack. Always willing to give up everything for his brothers. And Race felt guilty. "No... it's fine..." he lied, offering a small, sad smile. "You goin' on some kind of date?" he asked, noting how nice his brother looked. His hair combed back, his black leather jacket pulled over his grey sweatshirt and blue v-necked shirt and his nice jeans on too._

_Jack gave a nervous laugh. "Kid, I'll stay if you want me ta stay... I can reschedule these things..."_

_But Race shook his head. "It's okay... I'll be okay..." he promised._

_Still looking skeptical, Jack paused for a moment before sighing and shaking his head. "I love ya, pal... just... call me if ya want me ta come back... I will..." he stated, leaned to press a quick kiss to Race's head._

_Race nodded. "I love you too..." Jack looked at him, his eyes still cautious, but he turned to go. "Don't have too much fun..." the boy tried to joke._

_Jack only turned to give him a cheeky smile. It made Race laugh._

He'd bummed a cigarette off of someone. They seemed to realize he was in distress. And they felt for him.

They didn't know he was a murderer.

He was out of tears. All he could do was stare blankly out into the parking lot as he leaned against the side of the hospital building.

Someone had been sitting next to him for a long time. Race didn't look over. He just kept staring straight ahead, waiting for someone to tell him he'd fallen off the wagon again.

Big shocker.

"I don't wanna talk about it..." he finally stated, his voice watery and cracking at every pitch.

A sniffle met the boy's ear. "I know, baby..." Medda stated. She didn't push. She didn't stare down. She just sat there, ready and willing to listen if he changed his mind.

"You all don't understand..." he whimpered, burying his face in his knees. "Jack... he don't understand neither... Drake wouldn't a' taken me away... he woulda been fine the next mornin'-"

"Honey, I don't think you're givin' your brother enough credit..." Medda almost warned. "If anyone would understand... it would be him..." she assured, reaching to run a hand over his hair.

But the way she said that caught Race's attention. Like she knew something he didn't. Something important. "Wha'd'ya mean?" he asked.

His Mama sighed, turning to him. Race looked over at her shyly, still holding a small cigarette between two of his fingers. "Do you remember your brother's best friend his senior year of high school?"

Of course he did. Everyone who knew Jack knew Jack's best friend from high school. "HP?" he asked obviously. "Yeah... so?"

The look that the woman gave him said it all.

Something in Race's mind clicked.

_Race laughed as he watched his big brother run through the living room. Him and HP had just gotten home from school. And Jack had stolen something out of HP's pocket._

_"Go long Racer!"_

_HP laughed genuinely, despite his intentions to be annoyed. "That's not fair, J!" he insisted, but as Race caught what he now recognized as a wallet, he took off running. "That kid's way too fast!"_

_"Guess ya gotta be faster!" Jack teased._

_Race kept running as HP, a tall, masculine boy with short, dirty blond hair, chased him around the kitchen until he was able to effectively trap the younger kid in the corner. He playfully pushed Race back. He fell backwards, only gasping when HP grabbed him by the ankles and lifted him up._

_He was a small thirteen year old. It was easy._

_"You best give it up, short stack!" the football player teased. Race giggled and shook his head. And a sigh escaped the bigger boy. "Fine... guess we'll do this the hard way..."_

_It was quick. Race was thrown onto the couch and fingers squeezed at his sides. He gave up the wallet quick. "No fair!" he whined, even as the giggles escaped him._

_But HP just laughed too and look back over at Jack who still stood in the kitchen with a smirk on his face. But that smirk fell when HP smirked back at him. Jack made to run._

_HP was faster than him._

_The taller boy slung Jack over his shoulder easily. Race loved the way his brother laughed at that. Race watched as Jack's best friend threw him down onto the chair beside the couch. They began to wrestle. But Jack was laughing to hard to do much._

_So HP simply let Jack laugh. And he laughed right along with him._

"Harrison Parker..." Medda sighed nodding her head solemnly. "Your brother was head over heels for that boy..."

Race shook his head in disbelief. "But... but they weren't dating-"

"Jack and HP started dating during the end of Jack's junior year of high school," Medda stated knowingly. "HP asked out your brother after your brother dated Marley and that ended horribly... I wish I'd seen the signs sooner..."

Race tried hard to think. Jack had dated plenty of people throughout high school. That came with being popular, smart, playing sports and just overall, being Jack. Race didn't remember them all. Most of them hadn't lasted. He remembered Marley. Jack had been miserable with Marley. Race only met her once.

But HP had loved to hang out at their house. He loved to mess with them. In fact, the only memories Race had of HP were happy, playful memories. He could remember Jack smiling. All the time.

It wasn't that he hadn't known Jack was bisexual. He'd known for a long time. But... Jack had never mentioned the fact that him and HP were anything more than friends. Jack was touchy and loved to show affection by hanging on people's shoulders and just being close to them. It was normal for him to act like that with his friends.

"Five months in is when I found out. I don't know how long it had been going on and I thought maybe it was a one time thing... but he hurt Jack... wouldn't let him go out with his friends, locked him in his room once after drugging him and he..." It was hard for his mother to talk about. It was even harder for Race to hear. His big brother was invincible.

At least, that's what he'd thought.

"Honey... I saw the signs with Drake... and I will never forgive myself for letting it go on so long... but you never wanted ta listen to anyone when we tried to talk to you about it..."

She was right. It didn't surprise him. Medda was always right. He always went back. No matter what. Jack was stronger than him. Jack had gotten out.

_Jack was at the sink. Race didn't want to bother him. He looked distressed._

_He was crying._

_Not sobbing. Not like when Race was upset. Race knew that when he cried, his brothers would hear him. They'd come running. It was almost comical._

_This was different._

_Jack's tears were slow. More angry. He kept sniffling, trying to hide any and all evidence that he wasn't keeping it together. Race didn't know what to do. He just wanted Jack to smile again. He loved it when Jack smiled. It made him feel all warm inside._

_His mother had hardly ever smiled. At least, at him. Lord knows if Race never saw his father's evil grin again it would be too soon. But Jack's smile was different. It was calm and warm and genuine and free. It wasn't as bright as Crutchie's, that ray of sunshine. But it was smooth and perfect and it made Race feel safe._

_"Jack?"_

_Clearly not expecting the voice, Jack jumped a bit, losing the grip he'd had on the plastic plate in his hands. He dropped the sponge he'd been using to wash it and went to turn around, but stopped himself._

_Race had only seen Jack cry a handful of times. Jack didn't like it when Race saw him cry._

_Taking in a shaky breath, the older boy rubbed his nose on the sleeve of his grey hoodie. "What?" he snapped weakly, still refusing to turn around._

_Flinching a bit at the tone, Race looked down at his shoes and rocked back on them a little bit. "Um... do ya... are you okay?" he asked shyly, scratching at the back of his neck._

_"I'm fine," Jack bit out, grabbing the plate and sponge and continuing to clean the dish he'd used for dinner. Medda had taken Charlie to the doctors. For his leg. It was just the two of them._

_And HP. But HP had left._

_Not knowing what to say, Race shrugged. "Okay..." he sighed, walking closer to his big brother and wrapping his arms around the older boy's middle._

_The way Jack stopped everything was almost immediate. He sniffled harder as he turned the sink off and let Race hug him from behind._

_It wasn't long before the older boy turned around and held Race back, gripping at the back of his shirt._

_They didn't speak. Race just held his big brother tightly, letting him calm down for a minute in his arms._

_Just like Jack would've done for him._

"Why... he neva' said nothin'... I didn't..." he didn't know what to say to make this less shocking than it was.

Jack had a strong wall up around himself when he was near those who didn't know him. Jack rarely ever let his guard down. But with HP... Race had never seen Jack like that. He always seemed happy with HP.

HP had taken advantage of that.

It made sense now. The way Jack had gotten so closed off and stressed out all the time. Medda had told Race that it was normal. That Jack was under a lot of stress with everything he had to go through his senior year, in order to graduate.

She'd lied to him.

"Jack didn't want you to know... he really didn't want you to know..." Those words just made Race hurt more.

Jack was more than any kind of big brother Race could've ever imagined. It still amazed him. How Jack had always seemed like Superman to him, despite all he'd been through.

"C'mon, baby... put that thing out... let's go back upstairs..."

Race could hardly move.

_"Racer?"_

_"Jackie?"_

_"You know I love you, right?"_

_"Yeah..."_

_Sometimes Jack had to remind him. Because sometimes, Race forgot. Sometimes, Race forgot that he was lovable all together. Sometimes, Race forgot that Jack was his big brother and he always would be._

_Up until the day he died._

_"Just makin' sure..."_

_They were sitting on Charlie's bedroom floor playing cards. Charlie was doing homework on Jack's laptop. "He knows you's hidin' somethin', Racer..." the blond boy warned, not looking up from his work. "I'd just tell him what it is before he starts followin' you around..."_

_Race looked up shocked at Crutchie who only gave him a small wink. Okay, so he was hiding something. But he didn't know it was that obvious._

_Looking back towards Jack, he caught his big brother's eyebrow raise up slightly, as if he was waiting for an explanation. Race just shrugged. "I don't know what you're talkin' about..." he tried to brush off, but Jack lightly kicked his shin._

_"You little liar! Who're ya seein'? We saw him drop ya off n' Ma said you were goin' on another date with him on Friday!"_

_Race could feel a blush creeping up his neck. "It ain't no big deal!" he defended, focusing back on his cards. "We only went on one date!"_

_"Who is it?" Charlie pushed, still focused on the computer in front of him._

_Giving his big brother a playful glare, Race finally just admitted it. "... he's really nice..." he sighed, running a hand through his hair nervously at that._

_But his brothers were not satisfied. "And?" Jack prompted, leaning closer to the boy to give him a light nudge on the shoulder._

_Letting out a nervous chuckle, Race shrugged. "He's... uh... he's mature... n' I like him a lot..."_

_"What's his name?"_

_The boy let a grin spread on his face. "Drake... his name's Drake Dillinger..."_

"He's weak right now... we have him on a breathing tube... but he's a fighter. He's got a good chance…"

Race pushed past the nurse before they even finished speaking. He could feel his mother glaring at the back of his head. But he didn't care. He forced his legs to move into the room where he knew his brother was. And he pushed the door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oi... I'm so sorry...
> 
> As always, make sure to tell me what you liked, what you didn't, what you'd change or what you'd improve by leaving me a review. Love ya, friends!


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, last chapter!
> 
> Enjoy!

It amazed Race how still his brother could be. His brother had never been so still in his life. His brother was known for not being able to sit still. Just like Race himself.

They understood each other so well. Jack understood him so well. Better than he'd ever known.

Maybe even better than he understood himself.

"Stop looking at him like that..." Charlie pleaded.

Rubbing at his damp cheeks, Race hardly even glanced up. "Like what?" he croaked out, looking back down at Jack who was laying flatly on the bed. His voice was harsh and watery. He hadn't meant for it to be.

"Like you're afraid he's not gonna make it." The words were spoken with such terror that Race could feel a sob stop in his throat. Charlie was only trying to convince himself that the young man on the bed was actually okay. That he'd be alright.

The truth was that they didn't know if Jack would be alright. He was just laying there, his eyes lazily closed and a tube placed down his throat, breathing for him.

Race didn't look back up at Charlie. He looked down at his hands. "What if he doesn't?" He knew he shouldn't have asked it. But he had to. Because if Jack didn't make it, it was his fault.

And everyone knew it.

The boy sitting on the opposite side of the bed looked over at Race with the most defensive, determined glare he'd ever seen. "Don't you dare, Antonio," he hissed. His little brother's heart stuttered only for a moment at his full name coming out of that boy's mouth. "Don't you dare give up on him like that—!" he shouted, shooting to his feet. Race flinched and sat up further in his seat, unprepared for his big brother to lash out.

Crutchie was supposed to be the calm one.

"Charlie… calm down, baby—," Medda tried, but the young man could not.

"Don't tell me ta calm down when he says somethin' stupid like that!" Charlie cried in something almost comparable to a whisper. The tears came fast for him. He couldn't stop them. His younger brother couldn't either.

Race felt a hand come down gently on his back. He let out a shaky breath as he hunched over and rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. "I'm sorry..." he whimpered out, tears falling down and dropping onto his legs as he leaned over even further, trying to hide. Though, he wasn't sure if he was apologizing for scaring Charlie even further or creating this whole mess to begin with.

If Jack were awake, he would've taken Race's wrists in his hands and stopped him from tangling his fingers so tightly in his blond curls. But Jack wasn't awake. And Race needed something to ground him.

God knows Charlie couldn't. Not right then.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." He couldn't stop. He didn't know what else he could say. Not with Jack laying there so lifeless. So fragile.

"I'm so sorry, Jackie..."

_If Jack were there he would've taken Race's wrists in his hands and stopped him from tangling his fingers so tightly in his blond curls. But Jack wasn't there and Race needed something to ground him._

_He was practically running._

_He couldn't be late. Not again._

_Jack had offered to drive him. Crutchie had woken him up two hours ago. But he hadn't gotten up and Jack had more important things to worry about than taking him to school every morning and getting stuck in traffic on his way back._

_He grasped at his messy curls with one hand, knowing one more tardy slip meant detention._

_He was moving so quickly that the shoulder he bumped didn't register in his mind until he felt a splash of hot liquid on his shirt._

_The boy froze, his eyes wide as he whirled around, apology already on his lips as he turned, only to be met with the most charming and beautiful grey eyes he'd ever seen in his life. He stuttered as the man turned to meet him, looking angry only for a split second before his gaze found Race, looking more and more like a lone deer caught in some headlights. That's when his tight jaw loosened just a bit and his lips curled into a sly smile._

_"U-um… I… look… I… I'm so sorry! I'm… I just-" the boy tried, not truly knowing what thoughts were flying through his reeling brain. All he could register was this man. This beautiful person in front of him with thick, long brown hair, a perfect complexion and a blinding smile._

_And then that laugh. That laugh that made Race want to laugh too. The one he'd hang on day in and day out for years to come. "You're lucky you're pretty, blondie. What's your name?"_

_Race's heart was beating so fast he was sure he would die. "Uhm," he squeaked, inwardly wincing as he cleared his throat. "It's Tony… Antonio... " he clarified, though he shook his head and couldn't stop his lips from continuing on without his brain. "Tony for short, but no one really calls me that because my brother really likes to, uh, he likes to give people names, like nicknames, an' when I w-was a little younga' he started callin' me Racetrack, but now everyone calls me 'Race' because I guess I'm a fast runner even though I never really liked runnin'-"_

_Again that laugh. That laugh sounded like bells. It was a beautiful sound that made Race blush and try to hide his embarrassed smile as the man took a small step closer to him. If he had to guess, Race would say this man was in college, or at least of that age group. "Well,_ Race _," the stranger began, smiling down at him with such a perfect glint in his eye. The boy went a bit weak in the knees at the man's gaze. "It looks like you owe me another coffee," he laughed. "Where're you headed?"_

_It took a moment for the boy to remember. Where was he going? "Uh… Roosevelt… High School… Roosevelt High School…"_

_Nodding along, the man thought for a second. "Okay… why don't you meet me after at the coffee house just around the corner from that? You can buy me another coffee and maybe afterwards we can hang out and you can tell me why you're running so fast?"_

_This man was clearly older than him. Clearly out of high school, at the very least. But, Race could only dumbly nod his head, trying hard not to think about what his brothers would say._

_"Okay, pretty boy…" the man grinned. "See you then…"_

_Then the man made to walk away. But it only just occurred to Race that he'd never gotten the man's name. "Wait!" he called, rushing back over to the beautiful stranger. "I… I never got your name…"_

_"Drake…"_

Drake. Drake. Drake. _Drake_. _Drake_. It was all Race could see. It was all he could think about. Those grey eyes and that smile.

And that goddamn laugh.

A laugh he'd never hear again.

He curled up in a ball back in the waiting room, completely unsure of what to do with himself. He felt sick, like he could vomit any minute now. He felt angry, like punching a wall. He felt devastated and lost and confused and maybe it was his fault. Maybe something he'd done had changed the man he loved somehow. Maybe Drake would have been better if they would have never met.

One thing's for sure. Drake would still be alive if they'd never met.

The waiting room chairs were uncomfortable and confining but with the rigidness of the kid's whole body, he hardly noticed. He could hear himself trying to breath. It sounded like he was wheezing. He couldn't feel the oxygen trying to reach his lungs. He so desperately wanted to be with Jack, but he couldn't take Charlie lashing out at him again.

It wasn't Charlie's fault. Charlie had every right to be angry with him, to want him away from their big brother.

He just couldn't handle it.

He heard the door open and he tried to get control of himself as he untangled his body from his fetal position, looking up only to find that officer standing there, a cup of coffee in his hand and a sorry look on his face. Race sniffled and viciously wiped at his face with his sleeves, irritating his skin. His cheeks were red. The tears didn't stop. "Wh-what're you still doin' here?" he hiccuped.

Sighing and pulling up a chair across from the boy, Conlon shrugged. "Just wanted to ask you a few more questions… another officer is gonna be on his way a little later, just to try and put all of this together himself-"

"Put what together?" Race spat, shaking his head. "I told you everything," he insisted, his voice rising in volume and pitch as he just tried to understand for himself what was happening. "I killed my husband. There. Take me ta jail, I don't care! I killed him and this is all my fault n'-"

"You saved your brother's life," Sean interrupted, his voice almost emotionless. "You killed your husband to save your brother. You made a choice."

Tears spilled faster down his face as Race let his head fall into his hands. "I didn't mean to kill him… I just… I loved him… I was neva' gonna leave him… I…" he let the sobs fall, feeling the guilt rolling around inside of him. "I just needed a break..."

All Spot could offer the young man was a sad smile and a small cup of coffee.

And Race took it.

_"Drake… it's beautiful…"_

_"Yeah…" the other boy sighed._

_Race was gazing up at the stars._

_Drake was looking at him._

_For as long as Race could remember, he hadn't been able to see the stars. Not in New York._

_But this wasn't New York._

_Drake had taken him on a trip. It had been a couple months now. A couple of months of promising his brothers that they'd meet him eventually._

_Race had given Albert a twenty to convince his family that he was staying at his place for the night._

_"I… I'm in love with you…"_

_Race turned at that. "What?"_

_They were laying in the bed of Drake's old pick up truck, snuggled up in a blanket. But now Race was propped up on his elbow and he couldn't believe what he'd just heard. But Drake was looking at him like he was the most precious and fragile thing in the world, like if he made one wrong move, Race would just up and leave._

_Race completely melted._

_"I… Antonio, I'm so in love with you…" the man repeated, reaching to brush the boy's hair. Race couldn't take his eyes off of him._

_He wished he could just stay in that moment for the rest of forever._

_"I wanna be with you everyday… I wanna make you laugh everyday… I wanna see that beautiful smile everyday… I wanna spend the rest of my life with you…"_

_Those words made Race's heart stutter with excitement. And he felt tears in his eyes. "Drake… I... I love you too, baby."_

_The pure joy that sparked in the man's eyes was unlike anything Race had ever seen before. And before he could comprehend what was happening, Drake was up, scooping him up into his arms. The boy squealed and laughed, clinging to his boyfriend as Drake held him tightly._

_"I promise I'll always take care of you, babe… I'll never hurt you… never… I promise…"_

_Race grinned and pecked his lover on the cheek. "I love you, Drake…"_

The tears had slowed. At least, for now. And Race sat alone, an almost empty coffee cup in his hand as he fought to make his mind go blank. He sat more still than he'd ever sat in his life, focusing a bit too much on breathing and feeling his whole body wanting to give out on him.

He couldn't sleep. Not now. He was terrified of what might happen if he fell asleep.

So he took another sip of the coffee that was hardly warm anymore.

And he didn't look up when the door was pushed open.

"Racer…" someone sighed.

The boy still didn't look up. He bit his lip. He should be done crying by now. The tears had to run out eventually.

Within seconds, Race could see someone's shoes and the end of a metal crutch in front of him. And then his big brother was sitting in the ground at his feet. And Race's gaze didn't move. "Kid… I'm sorry. I didn't… this isn't your fault. It's not."

The younger man shook his head. "Ya know, Charlie… The worst part about this is that… it was… it _is_... it's all my fault n' you got every right ta hate me," the boy stated, his voice letting out as a squeak by the end of his sentence as he imagined a world without Charlie. Without Jack. Without his brothers.

It was no world he wanted to be apart of.

But Charlie's face softened immediately. "Tony… I couldn't neva' hate you, kid…"

Race didn't respond. He just looked down at his lap in shame, not knowing what else he could say. Because maybe Charlie didn't hate him. Maybe Jack would one day forgive him. But that wasn't the biggest problem.

The boy couldn't figure out how he'd ever be able to live with himself again.

"Hey… can ya look at me?"

Race shook his head, swallowing hard. And before he knew it, arms were around him and his head was tucked into the crook of his brother's neck. He sniffled and tried to relax into the embrace. The cup was taken from his hand and Charlie shushed him when he tried to protest. "You're okay. You're here with me an' we're okay," the older boy promised.

So Race closed his eyes, focusing on the steady breaths he could feel brush over his hair.

_"Please, Jackie, just wait one minute and he'll be here-" Race begged as Jack rushed around the room, pulling his grey jacket over his shoulders and shoving his wallet in his back pocket._

_"Racer, you know I'd love ta meet him, but I promised Kath I'd be over to work on illustrations a half hour ago n' she's freakin' out a little bit right now because we're supposed ta meet with an editor today, so I really don't have time ta wait, I'm sorry," Jack rambled as he grabbed his bag of art supplies, slinging it over his shoulders as Race pouted at him from his place in the middle of the living room. "I'm sorry, kid. But if you really like him, I'm sure I'll like him too," Jack stated, as he walked past his little brother and ruffled the boy's hair._

_Race didn't make a move to stop him. Jack was finally doing what he'd always wanted to and today was the opportunity of a lifetime. He was about to open his mouth to concede when there was a knock at the door. And Race's pout melted into a smile. Before his brother managed to reach the front door, the kid was rushing to it, opening up just to jump into the arms of his boyfriend who only laughed and swept him up off the ground. "Hey, babe!"_

_"Hi, Racer," Drake chuckled, kissing him and then lowering him back down to the ground._

_"Babe! This is my brother Jack! Jack, this is Drake," the youngest of them introduced with the sort of energy only he could possess. He turned back to his brother to see the young man offering him an amused smile as he sighed and held his hand out towards Drake._

_"Hi, nice ta meet you," Jack greeted kindly. Race couldn't help but notice how professional he sounded. Jack was growing up fast. The boy couldn't help but miss the goofier side of his brother. It was still there. Just, not quite as often as it once had been._

_But it was okay. Jack was still Jack. And he would never lose Jack._

_"Nice to meet you, Jack. Race talks about you a lot," Drake smiled. Race grinned and wrapped an arm around his boyfriend's middle. Drake kissed his head and placed a hand on his shoulder. Jack's eyes flashed towards that hand, a look that the younger boy couldn't quite place rushing across his features for only a moment before Jack's eyes were back on him, as if he were making sure Race was okay._

_Then the oldest boy smiled and nodded. "Could say the same thing about you," he joked. "Alright, Racer, I'll see ya tomorrow, okay?" he stated, moving to press a kiss to Race's hair. The arm around him tightened._

_Jack seemed to notice. But he didn't say a thing._

_"Bye, Jackie!" the boy shouted as the older boy made his way out the door._

_Jack paused in the doorway, suddenly hesitant to leave. He turned back, sighing as he saw his brother grinning at him. And he managed a smile. "Love you, Racer."_

_"Love you, Jackie!"_

"Tony… wake up, kiddo…"

Tony hummed, feeling reality crash back down on him as he opened his eyes. He was laid out over someone's lap. Charlie. Charlie was there.

And so was someone else.

"Hey, Tony… how ya doin', pal?"

 _David_.

Tony didn't move. He closed his eyes again and sniffled, wishing he could just sleep forever. He'd never have to face this. His friends. His family. Once they all heard the full story, they'd never speak to him again.

God, _Jack_ would never speak to him again.

"Antonio?"

"Katherine?"

Katherine. Race opened his eyes. And there she was. The closest thing he ever had to a sister. And Race let himself sit up and embrace her without even thinking about how much she'd hate him. There was just something about her. Something about that woman that made him feel safe and okay.

Katherine was Race's partner in crime. One of many. Definitely the most frequent.

She stumbled a bit at the force, but held him back even tighter. "Hey, my little prince…" she sighed, hugging him closely.

Race whimpered, tangling a hand in her hair as he looked past her shoulder to his big brother's best friend. Davey looked terrible. So Race reached out for the man. And Davey clasped his hand. Race pulled him forward just as Crutchie wrapped his arms around him and Katherine from behind. He didn't deserve these pure people.

But somehow he had them.

"I'm so sorry…" he apologized for what must've been the millionth time.

No one said anything. They just held him tighter than he was sure they ever had before. And all he could do was let them.

_Race's knee bounced up and down rapidly as he stared down at the book open on his desk. He'd read the same page seven times now. And yet he had no idea what it said._

_His pencil twisted around in his shaking hand. He was ready to scream. He blinked, trying to center himself._

_Twelve hours left until finals week. It was his senior year. He had to focus. He had to do this._

_He felt a hand trail over his shoulder. But he shrugged it off, feeling a shiver run down his spine involuntarily. "Babe, not now," he said, reaching up and taking a sip of the Gatorade that was sitting above his books and mess of papers._

_They were alone in Medda's house. And Race loved that Drake wanted to be with him. But he had to focus right now_

_"Cmon, Love… take a… thirty minute break?" the man asked, leaning down to kiss and nibble at the base of Race's neck._

_The boy relaxed beneath the touch a bit, but then moved out of it, shaking his head. "I don't have time, D… I gotta get this right. I'm barely holdin' a C in Trig right now," he stated, not even looking back at the young, beautiful man behind him._

_But Drake pulled away from him and growled a bit in frustration. "Come on, seriously?" he grumbled. Race only turned to catch the young man crossing his arms over his chest. The pout on his lips was adorable and made Race's heart melt. But he shook his head and turned back to his books, pushing his classes up further on his face._

_"Baby… you know I love you, but I really gotta focus right now." He felt butterflies rolling around in his stomach. He was nervous about these tests. If he didn't pass, he didn't graduate. If he didn't graduate, he'd never get anywhere in life and he'd be stuck working retail for the rest of his life._

_"Tony, I'll make it fast," Drake promised._

_Tony didn't answer. He just took a few more notes, clearly ignoring his boyfriend._

_He tried to get into some kind of zone. Tried to focus. God knows he'd never been good at focus._

_But when a hand grabbed the back of his chair and forcefully spun him around, Race gasped only for lips to come down harshly on his own. He sat stunned for a moment, his brain not fully able to comprehend what had just happened before he was automatically kissing those lips back._

_It lasted for a good minute or two. But eventually, the younger boy had to pull away. "Drake, I said no," he whispered again, feeling a sort of guilt rise up in his chest._

_But Drake didn't stop._

_He kissed his boy again. And Race couldn't help himself. He kissed back. Just for a moment. A moment before his stubbornness kicked back in and he pulled away. "Drake, baby, I love you, but I really can't right now—" He was cut off by his own gasp when his lover forcefully pulled him up, passionately biting at his lip. The boy felt himself tense for a moment, not quite used to the roughness after all these years._

_Then, without a word, Race was being carried over to his own bed. He felt something in his chest jump at the hunger in Drake's eyes. Though, he couldn't decipher whether it was fear or excitement._

_Or maybe he didn't want to._

_The man dropped him down onto the bed, moving to suck at his neck as his hands fiddled with Race jeans. "Drake, I can't—"_

_Drake cut him off with a rough kind of kiss and it was only at that moment that Race knew his wrists were pinned down by his boyfriend's hands._

_Not quite sure why Drake wasn't listening to him, the boy stopped trying to speak and instead watched as Drake pulled away with a mischievous grin on his face. He must've seen the slight alarm in Race's eyes, because he softened merely seconds later. And he let go of the boy's wrists. "Hey… c'mon…" he coaxed, offering Race his perfect smile. "We can make it quick…" he promised, reaching up to caress his boy's face._

_Race sighed. He glanced over at his desk full of work and books and then back at his pleading boyfriend. And he managed a strained smile. "Okay…"_

_Drake grinned._

"He's awake... you should go in, baby… he wants to see you…"

Race could hardly look up at his mother. He managed. Barely. Not without the nudge he got from his brother.

Charlie rubbed the younger boy's shoulder and Race looked up to him as the other man gave him an encouraging nod. He looked over to Katherine. She just offered him a sad, watery smile. "Go on, Tony…"

Tony sniffled, but reached up for his mother's outstretched hands. And he let her lead him into the hallway where she pressed a request button on the wall and waited for the doors to open towards her. Race's legs were shaking. But his mother held his hand.

The hallway felt long and narrow. The walls were closing in on him. He didn't know what he was going to say. He didn't know what to do to fix this.

Jack was hurt. Possibly dying.

And it was all his fault.

But his mother walked comfortably into the room where his brother was lying all alone, unable to move, unable to speak. There were slow tears falling down his face.

Nothing could have prepared the boy for the way those green eyes lit up when they found him standing like a lost puppy in the doorway. Then Jack reached for him, his hand shaking. It was clearly painful for him to move. A sob escaped Race's throat once again as he all but fell forward. He rushed to the man, taking his calloused hand in his own and bringing it up to the bridge of his nose. He didn't say anything. He just cried as Jack did. Medda's hand came down on his back just as he fell into the chair behind him.

As he held Jack's hand, the man relaxed and let his eyes fall shut. His fingers twitched and brushed over Race's cheek. The boy sniffled and helped his brother caress his cheek. "Jackie…" he breathed, holding the man's wrist and hand so carefully against his own skin.

Jack sighed and let his head lull to the side. But Race refused to let go of the man's hand as he began to drift out of consciousness once again.

_Race stirred at the smell of bacon. He could vaguely hear someone moving around beside him. And he allowed himself a sleepy smile._

_"Drake…" he sighed just as arms encircled his torso. He turned into the embrace and let his eyes open. A kiss was pressed to his forehead. "What're ya doin', Love?"_

_"I'm making my beautiful boyfriend breakfast. Is that a crime?" the man laughed, brushing at the boy's hair._

_Race snorted and watched as Drake lay down beside him. The older man placed a hand on his hip. And Race just studied him._

_He had no idea how the man was so handsome._

_For a long while they just lay there, watching each other and laying with each other._

_Drake reached forward to caress his cheek. And Race smiled. Drake seemed to melt. "Would you just marry me?" he whispered._

_Race froze. "Wh… what?"_

_Drake sat up, still staring down at him. "Marry me. Please, Antonio… I… I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you… you're my everything, baby."_

_Still, the shock had not worn off. Race slowly sat up in Drake's bed. And he looked at the man like he'd grown two heads. "Are you serious?"_

_He barely finished his question before Drake had surged forward to capture his lips desperately in his own. "Antonio… I… love… you…" he muttered between the sloppy kisses. And then he pulled away. "I think I'd die without you, Tonio…" Those words. Those words were what made Race stop. He looked up at his man. He studied him finding nothing but the truth in his eyes. "I wanna fall asleep next to you every night and kiss you first thing every morning and make you breakfast in bed and goddamn it, you beautiful boy, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you."_

_Stunned didn't even begin to describe Race in that moment. He felt like he couldn't breathe. His mind was running much faster than it ever had before._

_He loved Drake. He really did._

_"We can go down to the courthouse tonight. We can go to Europe tomorrow for all I care. Babe… I wanna be yours and I want you to be mine…"_

_But he was only nineteen._

_"Baby…" he began, unsure of how to continue when there was so much hope in those mesmerizing grey eyes. "I…"_

_Before he could continue, Drake reached back into the top drawer of his nightstand. He opened it._

_And Race couldn't breathe._

_"Antonio Isaac Higgins… will you marry me?"_

_It was happening so fast._

_It was too real._

_But Race found tears gathering in his eyes at the thought._

_Someone loved him. Someone wanted to be with him forever. Someone was promising him everything and more with one simple question._

_And all Race could say was, "Yes."_

"Hey… Tony?"

It had been hours by now. Race was sure of it. Jack was in and out of it. Katherine sat on the other side of him, stroking his hair and shushing him when he whined every time he woke up. Crutchie was by the window, reading a book and gazing up at Jack every now and again when he remembered why he was trying to distract himself. Medda was down grabbing some coffee.

Tony looked up to the door to find Davey peaking in, gesturing for him to stand. The boy looked back down at his big brother, wiping at his nose before leaning down and kissing the man's cheek.

Following the man out of the room, Race found himself face to face with that cop again. And he froze, feeling a cold fear rise up in him. Spot seemed to sense that. And he shook his head. "Hey, you're not going to jail, okay? But I do need ta explain ta you what's gonna happen next…" the man stated, gesturing for Race to sit down in the waiting room.

He did. And Davey sat next to him.

"Okay… I know this is a tough time for you. But I need ta tell ya that you are gonna wanna get a lawyer," Spot advised, leaning towards him as he sat in his own chair. Race shook his head, about to argue, but Spot put up a hand. "I'm sure he'll tell ya the same thing I'm tellin' ya now. You didn't have time ta call for help. You did the only thing you could do ta save your brother. It's pretty straight forward. But you're still gonna have ta go in front of a jury and be exonerated—"

"But—"

"Race…" Davey called, his voice calm and light as he rubbed the boy's back. Race looked up at him. And Davey nodded at him, silently telling him that everything was going to be alright. Then the man turned back to Spot. "Thank you… is there anything else he needs to do?"

Spot sighed and thought for a moment before shrugging. "It might be helpful if he were able to write out a statement, just a recollection of what exactly happened. It's important that he recalls as much detail as possible."

They continued to talk about him, as if he weren't there. And Race couldn't help but let his mind wander.

_"Drake, I wasn't flirting with him. He just asked a question. That's it!"_

_"You were practically throwing yourself at him!"_

_"I was not! I was just bein' polite—"_

_"He wanted to get in your pants and you were gonna welcome him in, weren't ya?!"_

_"Drake!" Race shouted, appalled at the accusation. He stood stunned in the middle of their living room. Drake was pacing in front of him. Tipsy and angry._

_Not a great mix._

_He'd been getting jealous lately. Apparently the ring around Race's finger did nothing to tell the man that he had promised Drake his future already. He could understand Drake wanting to protect him. But Race didn't understand why his husband was making such a big deal of this._

_"You know what's worse, Tony?! You're practically asking for it! Wearing those stupid tight pants and your muscle shirt n'—"_

_"I came from the studio, D! What d'ya want me ta wear? A bag?" Race spat back, sarcasm dripping from his lips._

_"I want you to stop drawing that kind of attention to yourself! You—"_

_"Drake, listen to yourself! I was wearing the same things I always wear! I wasn't flirting with anybody—"_

_Drake had walked Race home from the studio. They'd stopped to get a drink. Someone had asked Race about the band logo on his shirt._

_It wasn't a big deal._

_Drake seemed to feel differently._

_Without warning, he grabbed a stray glass off the counter and turned, swinging hard._

_The cup cracked and broke against the boy's skull._

_Race didn't remember much after that._

_He recalled feeling himself fall. Arms around him. The panicked voice of his husband above him. Sirens, bright lights, unfamiliar hands and voices._

_But when he woke up, it wasn't Drake who was sitting beside him._

_"Hey, kiddo…"_

_It was Jack._

_"Jack?"_

_"Shhhhhh…" the man soothed. "You took a bad blow ta the head, Racer. Ya got a concussion…"_

_The boy looked around. A hospital. "Where's… where's Drake?"_

_Jack sighed and looked towards the door. "Buddy… look… can you be honest with me n' tell me what happened?"_

_Race gave him a subtle glare. "Where's my husband?" the boy asked again._

_Jack looked like he was about to cry. And he shook his head. "He's just talkin' ta the doctor, Tony. But I really need ya ta tell me what happened…" he asked again._

_Race reached up to feel his forehead. But Jack gently grasped his wrist. He held it gently and looked at his brother like he thought he might break. "Jack, it wasn't nothin'—"_

_The door opened, and in walked a guilt ridden Drake. The man rushed to his husband and embraced him. Race let him, only hardly flinching at the quick contact. "Oh baby… I'm so glad you're awake…"_

_Race wrapped his arms around the man's waist and relaxed into him. "It was just n' accident, Jack…" he explained quietly._

_And Drake nodded. "Yeah, Tony was putting the dishes away and he didn't push one of our cups back far enough. It fell out and hit him on the head…"_

_Race squinted a bit in surprise. His husband had just lied. Flat out. And Race was quite certain Jack didn't believe a word of it._

_But all he could do was nod._

_And Jack sighed. "Okay… you need ta rest, kid. Mama's comin' down lata' n' Crutchie wants ta call ta make sure you's ok…"_

_Race nodded again and reached a hand out for his brother. Jack took it, refusing to look up at Drake._

_The room was tense. And Race didn't know what to say. So he didn't say anything. And he tried to relax into the company of the two people he loved most in the world._

_But it wasn't working._

"It looks like he's gonna pull through. We must've gotten to him just in time. He lost a lot of blood and is still very weak, but the tube can come out soon and he should be able to go home in a week or so if all goes well."

Race allowed himself the sweet sense of relief at the words of the nurse who had come to give them an update on his brother. He looked down at the man on the bed, still looking exhausted, but awake nonetheless. He nodded and let out a breath, watching as Katherine leaned down to kiss her man on the head. Jack smiled weakly and then closed his eyes again.

And Race felt like crying all over again.

"Um… when… when can the tube come out?" he asked, his voice cracking as he'd hardly used it in the past day.

The nurse paused, a sad smile on her face as she turned to him. "Hopefully tomorrow if he's a little stronger by then," she said before walking out of the room.

Race nodded and ran a hand through his mess of curls. Crutchie had finally gotten him to change his clothes. He still hadn't changed into them. He didn't want to move again. It was all too much.

"See, pal? Everything's gonna be okay," he promised. "Now, c'mon… ya gotta get outta those clothes okay?" The older boy stood with the help of his crutches.

Race shook his head. "I can do it myself, Charlie…" At that, the young man laying on the bed reached over to him, weakly holding his hand as drowsy green eyes looked up at him. Race felt himself beginning to break again. And he shook his head. "I… It's almost healed…" he said, earning sad look from Jack and a sigh from Crutchie.

But Crutchie nodded towards the door. "C'mon, pal… you're gonna be alright…"

For the first time in months, Race started to genuinely believe it.

_Race was sitting on the subway. His was the next stop. He didn't want to get off._

_He would rather sit here with these strangers than face his husband at that moment._

_His studio wanted him to star in their next ballet. Him. It was huge. A huge deal._

_But it meant long nights. It meant rehearsal for weeks straight and training for hours every day. It meant going a couple days without seeing Drake._

_He wanted to do it._

_Drake would not feel the same._

_He thought about calling his mama. Maybe it would be worth it to just hear the excitement in her voice. She was always so happy for him when these things happened._

_Drake hadn't wanted him to audition in the first place. But he had. And he hadn't told the other man._

_He dreaded the conversation he was about to have._

_So he sighed when his stop came. And he didn't make any move to stand._

_Instead, he opened up his phone and dialed._

_"Hello?"_

_"Hey, D…" Race muttered, rubbing a hand over his face. "I… I gotta… um… I… I got it, babe… I got the lead…" he said, feeling the excitement rise in his chest as he said it. Of all the dancers in that studio, he'd gotten it. And that was exciting._

_A scoff came on the other end of the line. "You're kidding right?"_

_"Drake… I know we said—"_

_"No, babe. No. I'm not doing that again. I hardly got to see you for two months last time. Tell them no."_

_Race could've sobbed right then and there. In the middle of the train. Surrounded by strangers._

_He wanted this. He wanted to do this. It was important to him._

_"D… It's a good show n'—"_

_"Antonio. No."_

_He swallowed hard. Without even arguing, he just hung up the phone in defeat and pulled his hood up over his head._

_And he sat on the subway for an hour, not wanting to move._

_Until someone walked in and grabbed his arm. Race didn't stop him._

_"Tony, I can't believe you. After we talked about it you still just…"_

_Race tuned him out. He didn't want to listen. He knew what they'd talked about. He also knew he'd pleaded with his husband to understand how much he loved to dance._

_But Drake didn't want him dancing in the studio. Not without him there._

_"Are you even listening to me?!"_

_They were on the street. Almost home. And Drake still had a harsh grip on Race's wrist. He pulled the boy with him until they made it inside._

_And before Race could even speak, he was thrown onto the couch._

_"What the hell happened to you passing this one up?!" Drake demanded. "We talked about this! You said that—"_

_"I said I wanted to n' you didn't listen! They were holdin' auditions today, I just happened ta be there n' they asked me ta come in! Do you have any idea how big of 'n opportunity this is—"_

_The slap caught Race off guard._

_It stung._

_He willed himself to just go numb as he took off running._

It still hurt.

But now he sat, curled up in Charlie's old sweatshirt and sweatpants from college. He watched as Jack sat up on the bed, holding Katherine's hand as the nurse talked to them.

It was time for the tube to come out. Jack was strong enough to breathe on his own.

And Race could only sit and watch.

"Alright, Mr. Kelly-Larkin. Let's get this over with…" the young woman said, smiling at him as Jack winked at her.

The process was quick enough. And for a moment, Jack just sat there, remembering what it was like to breathe on his own. But then Crutchie laughed. "Alright, Jackie… say somethin'," he prompted, knowing his brother wanted to.

And Race leaned closer to the bed, waiting for the voice that always seemed to calm him.

Jack looked around and every person in that took until his eyes landed on Tony's own. And he managed a smile. "What, ya miss the sound a' my voice already?" he joked.

Katherine laughed. David rolled his eyes. Medda smiled and Crutchie grinned. Race just stared at him, almost like he was afraid his big brother would disappear. And Jack reached out for his hand.

Race took it without a second thought.

_Race's cheek stung. He didn't know how he'd gotten here. It had been slow going. He hadn't truly seen it coming. Not even after all the signs._

_Not after the charming smirks and the well placed words and sneaky hands. Not after the possessive behavior or outbursts._

_He'd missed it somehow._

_Maybe he just hadn't wanted to see it._

_Drake had hit him again._

_It wasn't so frequent. It wasn't like Drake went out of his way to make Race his punching bag. And… maybe it was just an accident. Drake hadn't meant it, after all. Not really. He never did. Something just took over. Something Drake couldn't control. And maybe Race shouldn't have been so loud and harsh towards him._

_But it still hurt._

_The hits. They still hurt. His ribs. They still hurt. His body was still sore for being thrown every which way. Into walls. Onto the bed. Even after he'd told Drake to stop._

_He didn't know what he could do except get out of bed and pull some pants on._

_It was one in the afternoon. Race had to get up._

_Drake had been drunk. He hadn't meant it._

_Part of him wanted to call someone. His brother. He wanted Jack. He wanted Jack to tell him it was okay to be scared. It was okay to want to leave. He wanted to tell Jack everything._

_But the second Race reached over and clicked open his phone, still laying flat on his back on his bed, he saw the picture that was posted there on his lock screen._

_Him and Drake. And damn, they looked so happy._

_Crutchie had taken it. The day that Race had gotten married to the man. Both of them wore suits and they were standing just outside the courthouse, holding each other and grinning._

_Drake hadn't wanted them to come. He'd said they didn't need anybody. But Race has insisted. His family was coming. Drake might have left his own behind. But Race couldn't._

_He let his screen go dark again as the phone dropped down to his chest. He winced. Glancing over at his husband, he sniffled, watching as Drake slept much too peacefully. The younger man pushed the blankets off of himself and held his breath as he sat up on the edge of the bed, carefully swinging his legs over the side._

_He took a deep breath and let out an airy grunt as he tried to stand. He ground his teeth together, trying to stay quiet._

_Drake had been rough last night. Way too rough._

_His wrists hurt from being held down. He'd tried to get away. He'd tried to lock himself in the bathroom. He hadn't made it in time._

_The door was broken now._

_Race held himself around the middle as he swallowed hard, choking back sobs. He didn't know what to do now. So he carefully got himself dressed before he pulled himself into the bathroom, not daring to turn the light on. He didn't want to wake Drake._

_There was a bruise forming around his right cheek. His hair was a mess. He was terrified to lift up his shirt._

_So he didn't. He just pulled his curls down and brushed through them with his fingers_

_It wasn't the first time. That's what made it so much worse._

_It had built over time. The violence. The way Drake craved him. The way he had to have him._

_He didn't know what to do._

_He loved this man. He did. Drake was his everything. Drake made him so happy. Drake loved him. Drake wanted to buy him a house and start a family with him._

_Drake was his family._

_He washed his face. It was slow and agonizing to move. But he did it. And he felt a little better. A little more awake._

_So he dragged his feet as he made his way into the kitchen. There was a pinch in his stomach. He was hungry._

_Drake would be hungry too, when he woke up._

_Race grabbed some vegetables from the fridge and a can of broth._

_Soup sounded good._

_His arms were still around himself as he moved. It hurt._

They were alone. At least, mostly. Charlie was asleep in the chair by the window. But Race knew there was no waking him at this point. And that was a good thing.

Jack was sketching lazily in one of his old art books. Kath had brought it to him only a moment ago before David had taken her to get something to eat. Medda was on the phone outside the door, talking to someone. Race didn't know who.

But he was here, with Jack. And he didn't know what to say.

So he didn't. He just watched his brother tiredly draw out outlines for Katherine's new book. But Jack could feel his eyes on him. It only took another moment. Another moment before Jack was placing his pad on the side of the bed along with the pencil. And he turned to look at the younger boy.

Race felt tears pricking at his eyes again. He was sure he should be fresh out of them. And yet, here they were, ready to fall all over again.

"It's okay, kiddo…" Jack promised. "It's okay ta be angry and scared and upset."

Race didn't know how his brother did it. How Jack read his mind so easily. But he sniffled and shrugged. "You were right, Jack… he… I was scared a' him… n' I don't know why… but I still loved him so damn much…" he whimpered, unsure of how he was supposed to feel. "N'... he nearly _killed_ you because a' me… how 'm I supposed ta—"

"Okay, come here…" Jack coaxed, stretching out his left arm as much as he could without causing himself too much pain. Race did as he was told and he lay his head down carefully on his brother's chest. Jack placed a hand on his hair and thumbed at the boy's cheek. "Ya hear my heartbeat?" Jack asked. Race sniffled and nodded. "Just focus on that…"

The tears began to fall at that. Race closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath as he did so.

"You lost your husband, baby brother… you're allowed to be scared. But you saved my life, ya hear me?"

The boy let his brother tangle fingers in his hair. "I promised him I'd neva' hurt him…"

Jack looked heartbroken at the statement. He looked like he didn't know what to say. And Race allowed himself to fall apart again. "Oh kiddo… hey… you are gonna be okay… hey…"

"I-I thought…" Race hiccuped as he looked up at his big brother. The man who'd been a father to him for the past nine years. "I th-thought I was gonna lose you..." the boy admitted.

The hand in his hair brushed his curls. And Jack melted. "I'm right here, Tony… n' that's because of you… I ain't goin' nowhere… we're gonna get through this together, okay?"

There was so much sincerity in his brother's eyes. And all Race could do was believe him. "Okay…" he whispered. "I love you, Jackie…"

"I love you too, Racer… more than you could ever know…"

Race's life had never been perfect. In fact, it had been anything but.

But he had Jack. He had Charlie and Medda and Katherine and Davey and Jack.

He might never be able to accept what he'd done. But Jack would.

And maybe that would be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhhh this story. It was a time and a thrill to write even though it's so super sad.
> 
> Here is the original request:
> 
> 1.) "You're okay. Breath. Just breath. Open your eyes. Come back. It's okay. It's over now. Your okay. Wake up. Please wake up. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. I love you so much. Come back."
> 
> 2.) "hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that."
> 
> 3.) Would you kill to save a life
> 
> 4.) Race is the focus ( sorry Race)
> 
> 5.) Drake
> 
> Again, thank you so much SinfullySimple for this beautiful request! Much love to you!
> 
> I hope you're all staying safe and healthy and not bored. This whole shut down is inconvenient for the lot of us and it's a little scary, not gonna lie. But I hope you guys are handling it well and using this time to relax and take a breath.
> 
> Thank you all so much for following this story! I love you all so much!
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Make sure to tell me what you liked, what you didn't, what you'd change or what you'd improve by leaving me a review! Love ya, fansies!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay... I'm so sorry for that emotional drop. But thank you to those who made it all the way through this chapter. Don't worry, there will be two more that are already written and waiting for you guys :).
> 
> Thank you SinfullySimple for this request! I truly had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you enjoy the rest of this story as much as I do.
> 
> Alright,
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Make sure to tell me what you liked, what you didn't, what you'd change or what you'd improve by leaving me a review! Love ya, babes!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Accidents Happen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28522365) by [Bitchiaintanonymous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bitchiaintanonymous/pseuds/Bitchiaintanonymous)




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